A New Beginning

 Hi, haha I know it has been forever. I have honestly changed so much but honestly a lot has remained the same. So much life has happened that to be honest I haven't really had time to update the blog, not really physically but mentally. I was just in such a complicated head space that there was no room for it mentally. It's something I really regret not writing, as my brain is slowly starting to erase those memories it feels like. You know, removing all the bad memories from your life. But I want to fill in some of the gaps, but first I guess I should start from today and move backwards. But wow, I really see that I was flawed, I mean I still am but back then I felt awful you have to remember. Some things I said and did were unforgivable but I was in a really bad place and that wasn't me. This is me.

So where to start: well I'm at university, I've actually started my second year. Although it really doesn't feel like it since it's all online at the moment (remember that? when I wanted to go to online school, and sadly the UK had no free online schools at the time) There's so much that has happened so excuse me if it seems all over and if I miss out anything. Also my english will be terrible since like I haven't really written anything. You see I'm doing a computer science degree haha. So at the current moment we're (as in the whole world) in a pandemic: COVID19, or corona virus whatever you want to call it. It originated in china, and there was this virologist, who said that it was man-made, she seems believable, also China kinda forcibly took over Hong Kong. Like seriously, they made it illegal to protest and wear certain t-shirts, but I mean some people say that it's just the western influence getting people to protest but I think the government or whatever is just taking control. I recently watched Mulan the live action film, it was pretty bad not gonna lie I really expected more, maybe I could give my thoughts on things I've recently watched too, I watched Enola Holmes, that was pretty good although I was just bleaching Mum's hair on the ends throughout the whole thing, so I didn't really intensively watch it, and I always finished off Baby Season 3 (I love that show, although this last season has been a bit slow, Fiore is sooo hot, haha, he reminds me a lot of Luke... [insert sigh here]). But yeah back to the doing Mum's hair thing, throughout the COVID time I've been colouring her roots black, and recently I bleached her ends - yes like the whole shabang - developer, powder EVERYTHING. It lightened a lot more than I thought and I felt really bad, but she's really happy because she's been going for so long to the hairdressers and it's never lightened that much, so I'm glad about that. Oh yeah, I forgot to say - I became nice! Haha. Deep down, I know that my parents did screw up a lot, and I can't say that they're exactly in the place that I want them to be in with my transition but I can cope with it. I recently watched Disclosure, and it like really opened my mind a lot, and I really wish someone thought of me in such a way were they were so proud of me for being so brave, instead of treating me like a pity case. It's been like that for a lot of the journey. So many stops along the way, it feels like pushing such a heavy rock up a steep hill, and you just have to keep pushing or else you will just fall down and get crushed by it. The clinics, the doctors, the parents, nothing will help you, you literally just have to keep repeatedly sending emails, calling people, sending letters, talking to people, sending forms etc. Anyway I'm not going to talk too much about my transition, although it literally has taken over my whole life and obstructed me from doing so much. I'm actually considering lying about my age and taking back a few years that society, the doctors, my parents all stole from me. I deserved a childhood, I deserve my youth, so taking back 2 years or so wouldn't hurt anyone and would be rightful - I think, anyway.

Apologies on the format, I honestly ramble and go off-topic so much that I never know how to structure these things, so I guess periodically I'll just take breaks. Excuse any typos too and grammar mistakes, I just don't practise writing anymore. Okay so today is the 29th right, so I was actually waiting for an email to claim my merchandise from buying Wonho's online concert ticket for livexlive. I actually got the $79 package, which was just one below the meet & greet which was $149. I'm kinda glad the meet and greet was sold out before I got there since I like would've spent that much, and it wasn't any different from my package only that you got a 45 SECOND video call with wonho. Like really, 45 seconds. They couldn't even do a whole minute. And on top of that, the package was only available for 50 people. Ridiculous honestly. Buttt it's not my Wonho's fault. Yeah, I became a hardcore fan, it's actually been for quite a long time now. Since I've liked monsta x. I think that may have been 2018. Yeah, Wonho was always my favourite, I was soo sad when he left Monsta X, mainly because I thought I'd never get to see him again. But he became a soloist, still kinda sad that they won't be together again though since I was contemplating going to their concert in 2019 but it was like 7 hours away and I'd have to stay overnight I was also really young and inexperienced. Yeah I'm really supporting him though, like voting, I also bought all 3 versions of his first album and I helped keep him trending when his Open Mind music video came out. I also send him dm's on instagram - cringy I know - even though I know he won't read them, there's some comfort in talking to someone and it being like actually confidential. I watched his LiveXLive concert on Saturday 26th, well actually it was at 4am that night so it would've been Sunday. It was so nice, I just wish I could've watched him from the audience. But it's unlikely he'll ever come to our country so I just have to hope that by the time I actually visit Korea he's still performing and doing concerts. Okay I'll move on that chapter because it's kinda irrelevant, I remember reading some of my old written diaries, and I literally was talking about scientific facts about animals. WHAT A WASTE. I actually love reading my old things, it really feels like I've made progress and I can somehow connect to how I've always felt. 

So I recently had the summer holidays, and we're in the process of arranging my surgery for next year during the summer. It took a lot of pushing and conversations, since a while now, definitely since late 2019 and then finally I'm getting at some place with my parents. I think the issue is that they're literally putting it all on me to sort out, and then don't want to talk about it when I need to talk to them. I've been doing all the communicating with different surgeons and researching. I've literally looked at so many before and afters and even videos of the actual surgeries and also how things function afterwards, and read in depth what they've done. And I kinda got annoyed at my Dad because he didn't even know the requirements for the surgery, they also don't know things like my psychologist, my endocrinologist and my GP are different and control different things, or the fact that I can't just 'call them' or 'email them' because I don't have their contact and they never give it. It's really frustrating, it's more on the service of course. They should have this sort of things. At the current moment we're just waiting for the second appointment at the adults services (my appointment was actually sometime in June but they had to cancel all the appointments because of COVID and had no staff working at their clinic till like 2 weeks ago) and the assistant to the Doctor was actually supposed to call me yesterday at 2pm, for a telephone appointment. He called prior on Friday to make the appointment for next week on Monday, and he specifically said 28th September. I'm just hoping he got it wrong, and meant next week. I just need 1 medical opinion by a psychologist and then I can FINALLY get the bottom surgery. We're going to India for it, risky I know, but India was $10,000 and the UK was £27,000 and that was approximately for the latter, so it could be more. Also the UK one hasn't even responded to my email, so I'm kinda fixed on the India one. Also I desperately want to get cosmetic surgery, and like the fact that I could get so much more done with the India one like. I really want to get cosmetic surgery in Korea, I know that I'm not ugly but I just don't feel happy with my appearance, I hate looking in the mirror and I get kinda sad when I go out because of it. The wearing masks actually makes me feel way better about myself. I just want to hide in a hat and mask sometimes, I guess that's what makeup is sometimes. A barrier, war paint - a mask. I can create everything I ever want to have. That's also partially one of my reasons for wanting cosmetic surgery, so I could get by by just wearing sun cream and my skincare, and maybe a BB cream or something. I hate the fact that I have to wear foundation, contour, blush, highlight, lashes, eyeshadow just to feel the slight bit of confidence that I can walk out the door and not get stared at. 

On that note, that's a point I've noticed. Since my medical transition has progressed a bit more, my fat distribution is changing, my face is more rounder sadly it also means that my face got bigger too (UGHHH) and that doesn't help when you already have an underbite and screwed up jaw (okay I exaggerate it isn't that screwed up) but my body is a little better. I still have next to nothing for my breasts, but at least my ass is bigger? I guess. What's good is that my butt is quite good no matter what weight I'm at, but honestly my ass was never flat before either so. I'm also wayyy nicer since HRT, like seriously. I'm more sensitive for sure, but I'm still rational, I still have the logical side to my personality. But with the added sensitivity, I always think about how what I'm going to say or do is going to affect the other person and also if saying something would benefit the situation. I don't just say things for the sake of saying them now. Also I never raise my voice in arguments now, I always try to talk at a normal volume as that's a way to get people to listen to you. If you shout all your feelings you're not going to say what you need to say, you're just going to be blabbering nonsense, and that won't get you anywhere. Talk at a normal volume, collect your words, wait for the other person to finish their little anger fits with shouting. Because think about it, how stupid will they feel if they're there shouting and screaming nonsense when you're there replying like a normal human being. Also this sort of new state has let me reflect on a lot of things in the past, and I recognise where I was wrong. and where I was wronged more clearly now. I also see how unreasonable I could be sometimes in arguments and how unreasonable others could be. And I've sort of tried to divest all the discrimination and judgments that were taught to me. You know like all the societal norms, and how we perceive others etc. It takes a long time and a lot to really see it but when you do, you can make yourself a better person. I used to be so attracted to this hyper masculine dominant figure, and don't get me wrong I still am attracted to that but I also see that it's so much more attractive when someone is a fully-realised person, they like what they like, they do what they do, they are just themselves and not what society wants them to be. I honestly love guys, who can rock nail polish, or wear clothes from both sides of the masculine-feminine spectrum, and are comfortable in their sexuality. I think that's what I like so much in Wonho. Everyone talks about his body and looks etc. but he's talented, he's got such a good personality and he's just got good ethics and morals that correlate with my own. I think that can be some way you can truly connect with someone is if you see yourself in them. And going alongside my newfound perspective, I see sexism more clearly, I see racism more clearly, I see all the world's faults (or rather society's) more clearly now. It's really opened my eyes, everyone around me growing up was a bit racist, a bit sexist and you know had discrimination against certain body types or people, who aren't conventionally attractive. And the worst part is that I grew up thinking that it was normal to see that negatively, and that it was even okay for us to make fun of them and laugh at them. When that's been happening to me my whole life, people always laughed and made fun of me for being different. Heck that's why I liked Luke so much because it felt like he was the only one, who would treat me the same regardless. And that very thing was what I was doing, I honestly remember being the type of person to sort of see someone's faults before I saw them, and that sort of mentality is so negative. Now when I meet someone I see them for all their attributes, and if that someone is a bad person then I just ignore them. 

My whole university experience of the first year taught me so so much, and I was alone throughout most of it, and that deserves it's own blog post for sure. But it taught me a lot. I'll also talk about my college experience in another blog post because that's a whole lot of stories too. And then if I miss out parts, I'll probably reference them in future posts. My first year finished in around April, I had exams in late June so it's still fairly new. Also since I'm doing university online until January, I should have enough time to catch-up the gaps, although I left so so much out. I might fill in some parts from high school too, as I feel like I missed some parts of me out in fear. I shouldn't be scared anymore, and neither should you. Anyway for now, I'll go it was so nice talking to someone, I mean during this lockdown it's been hard I do have my brother but he's going through some shit at the moment, and I'm not the type of person to burden someone with more than what they need (ironic because of this blog is burdening whoever reads this with my problems). Oh shit I also had a whole ass love roller-coaster as dating as honestly myself during lockdown and trying to find a boyfriend too. Actually rather trying to find my expectations a boyfriend. I gave up though like a month ago and decided I'm going to be single to I find a really really amazing guy, who I'm attracted to and I'm really really in love with and like. You know someone, who makes me so struck with love like Luke and someone who is an amazing person like Wonho. I'm also valuing looks a lot less as I realise that sadly most guys who look good are dicks, and most guys who look bad are also dicks, but there are a few of those guys in the middle that are sweet and decent. And I just have to find one. Actually ignore all that last shit, I don't need to find one, I don't need a guy. Jesus, I'm done with that. I'm focused on me for now, no.1. It's about making you happy first and then meeting someone to share that with, guy or girl or non-binary or gender fluid or just whoever. Find someone who adds to your already existing self-love and happiness. 

Although you shouldn't be following love advice from a girl, who still thinks about a guy who moved away in high school and doesn't talk to her anymore haha. I'm also changing the blog because she looking a bit angsty and edgy haha! So I'll attach a preview of what it used to look like. Maybe I should do a picture for every blog post?