My Life

 I hate that all I write about is my love life.  Why don't I have any achievements, any success, anything to say to my name. It's pathetic. I'm not exceptionally pretty. Nor is my body good. Nor am I that talented or even that intelligent. The only thing I can hold my hand high to, is that I have a good heart. I feel, and I empathise with people. I have built myself up to not hate or wish ill of someone that badly. Yes that took a while, as shown by my previous posts I wasn't always this... peaceful (if you can call someone not wanting to murder another person that). But I think despite my past, and the bad experiences, I did well. And also this blog, these posts, are my internal feelings and thoughts. It's what I can't even tell my family. It's what I can't put my face to.           I'm 21 now. It's crazy how time hasn't really flown by. It just feels like I've been climbing up this rocky mountain and I'm still climbing to reach the ...

 So it's been a while. Hey, how is it going... Today I had a call with my Doctor, confirming my surgery. He said I should be put on the waiting list by early next year, and mostly will have the surgery next year. I'm excited about that, but I can't say I'm happy in life at the moment. It's strange, although things are getting better in my life, things are also changing so much that I feel like a bird that is swallowed up by a strong water current. Swept underneath a wave. Since coming back home from Korea on July 31st, my confidence has dropped dramatically to the point that I can barely open my mouth to talk on an online call. I had a group meeting for University and I couldn't even say 1 word. The anxiety is just so much, it's suffocating. And whilst I am much prettier since getting my cosmetic surgery in Korea, I still feel a bit insecure about my appearance and certain areas, I even feel insecurity about my voice too.               Since ...

 I am here today to talk about how suffocating life can be. And not even life but this society. Death used to scare me so much because it was an end to something that can be so great. But as I grow older I realise death is also a blessing; it's an end to something that can be so suffocating.  I feel so much pain in my heart and I feel constant suffering in life. And the same feelings that I had when I attempted suicide return to me now. I attempted suicide because there was no escape, no end. But now I can't end it because there's so much I need to accomplish and live for. And I have stopped self harming, but it means that there's no outpour to this misery anymore. Honestly, there's so much hurt everywhere that I can't even find a safe haven, somewhere where I can truly enjoy myself.  I want to talk about society and people. And how selfish and inconsiderate everyone is. I do claim the first part of being selfish but I do not claim the incosiderate part. I have ...

 And then there was one... Well not one, still got the rest of the list going haha. We're currently on Zach, Nate, Osman, Dom, Paul, Jay, Lamar, Adil, Ollie, Connor, Ryan and Henry. Some still think they're in the mix but they really aren't. And out the ones I listed there's only a few I'm really considering. But at the top of that list is Elliot. He's a dreamboat, he's everything I wanted. Granted he's not exceptionally good looking, or smart, or charismatic. But there's just something about him, I feel genuine attraction to him but on a deeper level compared to the others. It's not surface level. I mean if it was surface level then guys like Zach, Nate, Osman, Henry and Dom would beat him. It's just talking to him it felt right. But then came the video call a few days before New Year's Eve. I looked fucking hot on it, I won't lie. And he seemed pretty taken aback by how pretty I was, he even kept commenting how lucky he was and how ...

 So today I'm starting of with something other than my love life. But don't get too excited we'll be moving back to that soon. Haha, I don't know why relationships are always on my mind. I guess it's to fill the void of loneliness I seem to always feel whenever I'm by myself. Anyway, I'm currently in the process of applying to placements. And it's just such a depressing feeling, there's so many great places but the requirements are far beyond what I'm capable of. And on top of that we have tests during the selections stages. This seriously worries me, I understand from an employer's perspective why they're doing this but... You know what, I can't continue talking about that. There's something that weighs more on my mind. That's Loneliness. It feels like he comes at every single moment and reminds me of how sad parts of my life are. And I always try to stay positive but it's hard. I look around and I just wish I felt that s...

 So I thought I would make a quick update on the men that I've been talking about previously. So none of them have worked out, as to be expected. I really really tried with some. I've gotten over my feelings for basically all of them, as a new guy has become closer to me. Yes that's including Nate, I couldn't bring myself to remove him yet, but I will eventually. As for the others, I got rid of some and will be in the process of getting rid of the others, but none of those have progressed any further so I don't see why I should cut them off when I'm still technically single. Nate and I were messing up until around the 18th I think, I wished him merry Christmas and he wished me back. But since then, nothing. Mano the Egyptian dude, did some shady shit on instagram, and I caught him out and he just tried to lie his way out of it - so I cut him off. He was an unattractive, worthless piece of shit, with no future from some backwards fucking country. It wasn't go...

 So let's start with another desperate attempt at finding myself a man through online dating! I swallowed my pride after the last incident and went back on the same app, and I just sort of started accepting myself and thought so what if I'm trans? Like why am I so scared of people knowing? I unfriended this guy who I got intimate with (not enough so he knew) because we were playing games with him and his friend and he's out here using transphobic slurs describing this girl (who btw wasn't even transgender) and he just went on and on. So I waited a day and then unfriended him, because I don't wanna deal with that shit. I just thought why am I even giving these guys a chance, like oh I'll change him so he's not a sexist, transphobic, racist piece of shit? No why should I? Let him be that way, he makes people like us shine more. He can be a pathetic worthless piece of trash rotting at the bottom whilst I shine at the top. He can continue living his boring munda...

 So you know how I was talking about Ben in the last post. Well. He turned out to be a catfish. Haha, just my luck. Honestly, sometimes it feels like there's some being working against me, when it comes to my love life, like everyone around me has had these romantic experiences, even those in similar positions to me. And yet, I have somehow never had those experiences. I think some of it is partly due to my low self-esteem, and being shy, and also the fact that I can even find pretty hot guys not attractive. I have some weird sort of attraction system, when I see them I sort of know in that moment. And usually I have a good sort of gut-feeling on this, like I like a guy and usually our personalities mesh well together. Anyway, so I got cat fished by this Ben. Remember, I talked about him not replying for a few days or even being online. Well it's cause that's not fucking him! He was even verified on the app, like how bad is that. He got verified for pictures that aren't...

Hello, how are you doing. Me? I'm doing great. I recently broke my vow of staying away from men during my education. And well, it's been quite... what's the word... uplifting? It gives me hope that some day, I can find someone truly amazing, and that I don't need to lower my expectations. Literally on this dating app, I was liked by many, many hot guys. And yes don't get me wrong - some, actually most - were weirdos or perverts but there were some really cool guys. But it's weird, I like the fact that I can have these guys but when it comes to talking to them for more than a day, I don't feel any satisfaction. It's like I want to know that they're there but I don't want to act on it.  Some of them have caught my attention more than others. It literally got so bad that I had to just stop talking to most of them, I also figured that that's better then entertaining people, who I'm not interested in. I'm also glad that this time, guys are...