My Life

 So today I'm starting of with something other than my love life. But don't get too excited we'll be moving back to that soon. Haha, I don't know why relationships are always on my mind. I guess it's to fill the void of loneliness I seem to always feel whenever I'm by myself. Anyway, I'm currently in the process of applying to placements. And it's just such a depressing feeling, there's so many great places but the requirements are far beyond what I'm capable of. And on top of that we have tests during the selections stages. This seriously worries me, I understand from an employer's perspective why they're doing this but... You know what, I can't continue talking about that. There's something that weighs more on my mind. That's Loneliness. It feels like he comes at every single moment and reminds me of how sad parts of my life are. And I always try to stay positive but it's hard. I look around and I just wish I felt that s...

 So I thought I would make a quick update on the men that I've been talking about previously. So none of them have worked out, as to be expected. I really really tried with some. I've gotten over my feelings for basically all of them, as a new guy has become closer to me. Yes that's including Nate, I couldn't bring myself to remove him yet, but I will eventually. As for the others, I got rid of some and will be in the process of getting rid of the others, but none of those have progressed any further so I don't see why I should cut them off when I'm still technically single. Nate and I were messing up until around the 18th I think, I wished him merry Christmas and he wished me back. But since then, nothing. Mano the Egyptian dude, did some shady shit on instagram, and I caught him out and he just tried to lie his way out of it - so I cut him off. He was an unattractive, worthless piece of shit, with no future from some backwards fucking country. It wasn't go...

 So let's start with another desperate attempt at finding myself a man through online dating! I swallowed my pride after the last incident and went back on the same app, and I just sort of started accepting myself and thought so what if I'm trans? Like why am I so scared of people knowing? I unfriended this guy who I got intimate with (not enough so he knew) because we were playing games with him and his friend and he's out here using transphobic slurs describing this girl (who btw wasn't even transgender) and he just went on and on. So I waited a day and then unfriended him, because I don't wanna deal with that shit. I just thought why am I even giving these guys a chance, like oh I'll change him so he's not a sexist, transphobic, racist piece of shit? No why should I? Let him be that way, he makes people like us shine more. He can be a pathetic worthless piece of trash rotting at the bottom whilst I shine at the top. He can continue living his boring munda...

 So you know how I was talking about Ben in the last post. Well. He turned out to be a catfish. Haha, just my luck. Honestly, sometimes it feels like there's some being working against me, when it comes to my love life, like everyone around me has had these romantic experiences, even those in similar positions to me. And yet, I have somehow never had those experiences. I think some of it is partly due to my low self-esteem, and being shy, and also the fact that I can even find pretty hot guys not attractive. I have some weird sort of attraction system, when I see them I sort of know in that moment. And usually I have a good sort of gut-feeling on this, like I like a guy and usually our personalities mesh well together. Anyway, so I got cat fished by this Ben. Remember, I talked about him not replying for a few days or even being online. Well it's cause that's not fucking him! He was even verified on the app, like how bad is that. He got verified for pictures that aren't...

Hello, how are you doing. Me? I'm doing great. I recently broke my vow of staying away from men during my education. And well, it's been quite... what's the word... uplifting? It gives me hope that some day, I can find someone truly amazing, and that I don't need to lower my expectations. Literally on this dating app, I was liked by many, many hot guys. And yes don't get me wrong - some, actually most - were weirdos or perverts but there were some really cool guys. But it's weird, I like the fact that I can have these guys but when it comes to talking to them for more than a day, I don't feel any satisfaction. It's like I want to know that they're there but I don't want to act on it.  Some of them have caught my attention more than others. It literally got so bad that I had to just stop talking to most of them, I also figured that that's better then entertaining people, who I'm not interested in. I'm also glad that this time, guys are...

 So today, I'm updating on the fact that nothing particularly interesting has happened. I think I myself would rather over detail things so that I don't have to rely solely on triggering memories when reading back these posts. And perhaps in the future I'll cut down these posts. I was recently reading through some  of my old posts, and some of the feelings just feel so foreign to me, it reminds me that people can really change. And it's opened my eyes to the fact that all the horrible people that I've condoned to being never communicated with ever again might actually be decent people now. But that also means that all the good people that I once knew might not even be that good anymore... It's definitely something to think about.  I keep trying to persuade myself to watch my lectures or work on my webtoon, but I just always have the desire to do something else. Something that I enjoy. It kinda keeps making me rethink doing computer science as a degree. It's ...

 Hi, haha I know it has been forever. I have honestly changed so much but honestly a lot has remained the same. So much life has happened that to be honest I haven't really had time to update the blog, not really physically but mentally. I was just in such a complicated head space that there was no room for it mentally. It's something I really regret not writing, as my brain is slowly starting to erase those memories it feels like. You know, removing all the bad memories from your life. But I want to fill in some of the gaps, but first I guess I should start from today and move backwards. But wow, I really see that I was flawed, I mean I still am but back then I felt awful you have to remember. Some things I said and did were unforgivable but I was in a really bad place and that wasn't me. This is me. So where to start: well I'm at university, I've actually started my second year. Although it really doesn't feel like it since it's all online at the moment (r...