My Life

3 days after Christmas and I still feel lonely, upset. The days feel colder and colder. They feel lonelier and lonelier. I'm trying to wait till it's all over. To suffer to achieve a grande finale. But I don't know if I can suffer any longer... I haven't gone near my phone. My friends are still ignoring me, and I haven't even done anything. I'm scared to look at my phone because I think I know there will be 'no new messages'. Everybody doesn't have a clue what is going on with me. Putting up a polite front. I guess I'm really good at acting after all..

Christmas Day, and I got everything I want. Well not quit everything. I got some things that I wanted. Well not like I really wanted them or anything I mean I've never relied on my parents to get me what I wanted - clearly. But anyway rambling, I got the iPad they promised and a couple of other little things. Let me tell you the things I asked for, a pair of Doc Martens (They can be secondhand) and some clothes (since I was changing my wadrobe to a kind of classy, simple retro kind.) But they kept saying they'll do it after christmas so I'll wait for that. Moving on from that, Christmas Day is always magical, you can tell that something definitely happened on this day. Something that would mark it for life. Yet I still feel a little hollow inside...

Bitch, I was fucking tired of being the nice person. I was going to change EVERYTHING about myself. It seems like the nice person doesn't get you anywhere in life. So when you want to change your persona, you start with the looks. I didn't want to play nice. Black, leather, denim and maybe a hint of lolita. Luke was sitting next to me in Computer Science, and Kiera knelt down next to me and we had a lovely chat. A chat loud enough to get Luke's attention. Haha, it was so funny to see the shock on that prick's face when I said I would be dying my hair lightbrown. People just really need to get a hold of themselves. I had no support from my friends. Saying 'Oh, it won't match your dark skin'. Fuck You bitch. My skin isn't even dark, it's lighter than yours. Anyway there are loads of tanned people that have carried of blonde/dark-blonde/light-brown hair like Beyonce and Nicki Minaj bitch she even wears pink wigs and still looks alright. Do you know what...

One day and one night left until Christmas. The 25th December. The date always reminds me of the end of the year. The end of 2014, another year of my life that has gone. But I congratulate myself, I could keep myself from suicide for a whole year - it's a long time if you ask me. Especailly when these thoughts happen ever so often, and the panick attacks, and the worrying, and the crying, and the self harm. Now, I'm not saying I'm suffering the worst because I'm not. The poor and homeless are suffering more than me. I think if I learnt anything this year, it was that- I'll leave that for New Year's Eve. This is Christmas, everyone expects you to be so darn happy when, really you kind of feel like crap. And I know that the feeling is everyday so why should Christmas be any different? But it is, it's different because you see all these families and friends bonding, sharing, accepting. And you can't help but wish that you had that. Well that's how I fee...

I'm scared in my own home. I'm scared of my mother, my father and now my brother but its not only verbally any more - it's physically. I can't really 'hold my own' since I'm stick thin and have weak bones. And it isn't just a few punches or hits here and there - oh no. It is straight for the neck. I'm scared of him.  He wishes I wasn't here. Sometimes it's just the way he looks at me. I think my own brother may actually kill me.

What am I doing? Where am I going? When should I? So many questions and there's only one person that can answer them - me. But I don't know. I thought I had my future all planned out (well at least after I leave school) but I don't think so anymore. The original plan was for me and my current best friend to live together in London or wherever we were going, 1 cat, 1 dog. The plan actually sounds a bit unbelievable when I hear it to be honest. I thought I couldn't commit to anything but I was wrong I can't commit to anything because they don't commit to me. Now that I think about it all my past friends had got bored of me and found other friends, they moved on maybe I should to. I missed my chance, I had the choice in September to change schools. It was my own stupid thought that since I got friends now I should be okay but I'm not. My parents were actually right, for once, I needed that fresh start. If I couldn't deal with the past, I had to escape from ...