My Life

3 days after Christmas and I still feel lonely, upset. The days feel colder and colder. They feel lonelier and lonelier. I'm trying to wait till it's all over. To suffer to achieve a grande finale. But I don't know if I can suffer any longer... I haven't gone near my phone. My friends are still ignoring me, and I haven't even done anything. I'm scared to look at my phone because I think I know there will be 'no new messages'. Everybody doesn't have a clue what is going on with me. Putting up a polite front. I guess I'm really good at acting after all..

Christmas Day, and I got everything I want. Well not quit everything. I got some things that I wanted. Well not like I really wanted them or anything I mean I've never relied on my parents to get me what I wanted - clearly. But anyway rambling, I got the iPad they promised and a couple of other little things. Let me tell you the things I asked for, a pair of Doc Martens (They can be secondhand) and some clothes (since I was changing my wadrobe to a kind of classy, simple retro kind.) But they kept saying they'll do it after christmas so I'll wait for that. Moving on from that, Christmas Day is always magical, you can tell that something definitely happened on this day. Something that would mark it for life. Yet I still feel a little hollow inside...

Bitch, I was fucking tired of being the nice person. I was going to change EVERYTHING about myself. It seems like the nice person doesn't get you anywhere in life. So when you want to change your persona, you start with the looks. I didn't want to play nice. Black, leather, denim and maybe a hint of lolita. Luke was sitting next to me in Computer Science, and Kiera knelt down next to me and we had a lovely chat. A chat loud enough to get Luke's attention. Haha, it was so funny to see the shock on that prick's face when I said I would be dying my hair lightbrown. People just really need to get a hold of themselves. I had no support from my friends. Saying 'Oh, it won't match your dark skin'. Fuck You bitch. My skin isn't even dark, it's lighter than yours. Anyway there are loads of tanned people that have carried of blonde/dark-blonde/light-brown hair like Beyonce and Nicki Minaj bitch she even wears pink wigs and still looks alright. Do you know what...

One day and one night left until Christmas. The 25th December. The date always reminds me of the end of the year. The end of 2014, another year of my life that has gone. But I congratulate myself, I could keep myself from suicide for a whole year - it's a long time if you ask me. Especailly when these thoughts happen ever so often, and the panick attacks, and the worrying, and the crying, and the self harm. Now, I'm not saying I'm suffering the worst because I'm not. The poor and homeless are suffering more than me. I think if I learnt anything this year, it was that- I'll leave that for New Year's Eve. This is Christmas, everyone expects you to be so darn happy when, really you kind of feel like crap. And I know that the feeling is everyday so why should Christmas be any different? But it is, it's different because you see all these families and friends bonding, sharing, accepting. And you can't help but wish that you had that. Well that's how I fee...

I'm scared in my own home. I'm scared of my mother, my father and now my brother but its not only verbally any more - it's physically. I can't really 'hold my own' since I'm stick thin and have weak bones. And it isn't just a few punches or hits here and there - oh no. It is straight for the neck. I'm scared of him.  He wishes I wasn't here. Sometimes it's just the way he looks at me. I think my own brother may actually kill me.

What am I doing? Where am I going? When should I? So many questions and there's only one person that can answer them - me. But I don't know. I thought I had my future all planned out (well at least after I leave school) but I don't think so anymore. The original plan was for me and my current best friend to live together in London or wherever we were going, 1 cat, 1 dog. The plan actually sounds a bit unbelievable when I hear it to be honest. I thought I couldn't commit to anything but I was wrong I can't commit to anything because they don't commit to me. Now that I think about it all my past friends had got bored of me and found other friends, they moved on maybe I should to. I missed my chance, I had the choice in September to change schools. It was my own stupid thought that since I got friends now I should be okay but I'm not. My parents were actually right, for once, I needed that fresh start. If I couldn't deal with the past, I had to escape from ...

Why don't people understand. Why can't people just take a minute out of there self-centered narsistic worshiping life to spend on understanding what I'm going through. I know it's not as bad as some people but (a. I don't want to be compared) and b. I still have problems and issues that are bad. I don't really tell much about them, because I don't want to get hurt. Infact, I NEVER want to get hurt. Just let me be who I want to be.

I have watched 3 episodes of this amazing show, and I'm addicted! It's so good and dramatic, but (my opinion) Blair is being a bit of a bitch.  xoxo gossip girl Hahahaha 

I hate everything, and everyone. And everything, and everyone hate me. I do not believe there is a cure to this hatred. Just like there isn't a cure to my life. And the cry of pain and rejection that it cries. Everything just seems to be breaking, falling into a never ending hole of rejection. I'm tired. I'm tired of being so helpless in not being able to help myself. Help myself with everything. Plus, the cat scratched me - well that's what I'm telling people.

What I need is someone I can hug. What I need is someone I can talk to. What I need is someone I can cry to. What I need is someone I can laugh to. What I need is someone I can love and them love me back. What I need is someone I can complain to. What I need is someone I can keep. What I need is someone who can help me. What I need is someone who can hug me. What I need is someone who can love me. What I need is someone who can talk to me whenever we need to talk. What I need is someone who can keep me from self harm. What I need is someone who can laugh with me. What I need is someone who can complain with me. What I need is someone who can teach me. What I need is someone who can be there. What I need is someone who can be the reason, I still want to live at the end of the day. Now, where is that someone? I know, nowhere.

So much is going on in my life. But it's good things. Aside from my stress so that means I get even more spots. Btw: Apple Cider Vinegar total fake - well for me anyways. It didn't do a thing apart from leaving rashes on my face or ruining my taste buds. It helps with a sore throat but that's about it. These things put a lot of pressure on me, and sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend who could just take my mind of things so that's what I'm going to do, get a boyfriend!

I have this really nice bag (which is ridiculously small) and the leading part ina local production but for some reason life still feels like a lie. My friends have fallen out and it feels like I'm pressured to take a side. I don't know what to do. That's it. I just don't know what to do. It's not that I'm bored it's that every situation I'm in could lead to so many possibilities, possibities I myself, can't handle physically and emotionally. I feel like a sponge who soaks up all the negatives and washes out all the positives.

What Happened. Why is everythin so different? Why has everyone changed so much? Life really sucks.

I normally don't have anything to say to anyone unless it's important - even then. But with you. It's different. I can think of everything and anything to say to you. 101 million things to say to you, but nothing to say to anybody else. You make me feel different. It's like you're impossible to resist. My knees go week. My hands feel cold. My lips feel dry. My chest beats faster. My body feels lonely so very lonely. And all I long for is you to change all that. I can tell when your in the room. I love the feel of your warm breath on my neck, your warm hands holding mine. Your lips pressed against mine. Your warm embrace. It's uncontrollable. Luke. I. Love. You.

Did this solution to my and acne work or not? Well I was going to put it to the test. Spots are a big enemy of mine and I just don't see why they should exist - like most bad things. Just getting this out of the way, I love cider, and cider in French is cidre that's where the advert comes from. Anyway so far my spots have started shrinking and another 'effect' (benefit) of ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar) is that you loose weight! Like OMG! I have lost so much weight, thing is I was already skinny so I'm even skinnier than before. Do you think guys like skinny or non skinny :/ like just normal...hmmm... Maybe between... Ugh, being taller than him is such a turnoff, I hate Luke so much. I hate how funny he is. I hate how good looking he is. I hate how flirty he is. I hate how innocent he is. I hate how wild he is. I hate how he makes me want him over and over again. Anyway, I've limited myself, Highschool boys just aren't my style, I think college and uni boys are l...

First of all, I do regret not moving schools. Second of all, I don't regret moving schools. Third, I know that didn't make sense and i don't care. So after 7 years of begging my parents finally decided to get a cat. His name is Casper and he's really cute and all. Anyway, I was so upset because tomorrow I was going back to school, the hell hole I've been enjoying staying away from for the past 6 weeks. People piss me off a lot. I can't wait till I leave school.

Today was my birthday. I think when you expect everything and get nothing it hurts more than when you expect nothing and get everything. Which was what was happening to me, I expected my birthday to be some fun day were I could be treated nicely, but that wasn't the case. I love my birthdays but sadly the only thing different was somebody would say happy birthday to me or they'd get a Facebook notification saying it's my birthday, still nobodies wished me. I felt so stupid to expect this day to be better than the rest, it wasn't going to be unless I make it the best. I could dance all on my own.

Was it possible to remember things from your past life? Or did my mind just play tricks on me. It didn't really feel like that. For some strange reason I could remember my past life, well memories from my past life, and they weren't at all similar to this life or nice to be truthful. First of all I don't know if it's possible but I felt like I was more in the future, I know it's stupid. It was probably just my mind playing tricks on me. 

Hannah (her name) wasn't like the past 'friends' she knew what it was like to deal with pain and be different from the rest. Plus she knew me better than I know myself. She played games with me but could also talk girly stuff like how hot Chris Pratt was. She was also into the same stuff as me, and had an open mind to new things. Were planning on moving in an apartment together when were 16, possibly starting a YouTube Channel, and getting part-time jobs to pay rent and get money to eventually start our lives. I couldn't wait. Each day I felt myself drifting further and further away from my parents, which was good because in a way I didn't want them to miss me. Sure if I stay, I'll not have to worry about money and COL (Cost of Living) but it feels stupid to stay when my heart is telling me to go. If I stay, it'll break me.

Lately, you might've noticed that I hadn't been 'blogging' or writing posts. But to be honest, I'm not really that consistant or popular so you probably haven't noticed. Anyway so I went to some shitty side of the country, which was like Old People Vill, seriously, is this where you take your teenager on holiday, believe me if I had the choice I would've stayed home. Imagine, me, having a week to myself. Just amazing. I'd be able to do videos, parties, invite my friends round, stay up late, have take'aways, eat junk, stay at home all day, get hollywood waxed, get my ears pierced, buy some new clothes, go shopping, wax my eyebrows, get some new games, oh and a sh*t load of other stuff. But Instead, I was with my parents (my two favourite people, not) in a place full of parents of parents of parents. So as you must've gathered I had a pretty fucking shitty holiday. Anyhow, it just got better when I got back! No seriously, I was being sarcastic. Apa...

In three years, it's just going to be me. Just me and myself. But I'm not scared. I'm a fighter. I don't give up that easily. I've been going through hell for too long, to let this chance slip. Suffering too much to let it slip. I'm Ready. You're just a ghost now.

It's like fucking seriously, you don't let me be who i am? fine. But don't start insulting and offending that fact. This all happened the day I finished my 'first day' at this new school that looked pretty darn good. It was... different. I met this really really cute boy, easily could replace Luke! LOL, only joking. Luke and Brad (Oh his name is Brad too, hot name too ;) anyways I think he likes me - I know it sounds so cliche. But it's true, I looked over at him then looked away he then looked over at me and then looked away and we both kept glancing at each other's faces. It was GLORIOUS. He is just... YUM!

I felt like fucking utter shit. From the fact that my body was sore and feels like it could snap with one punch, to the fact that my so-called best friend treats me like I'm inferior to her. Well bitch, the fucking world doesn't revolve around you, you know. You can treat me like dirt, you can treat me like shit, but I'll never be a fat ginger cow like you. So go to your online-physco possibly-pedophilic boyfriend and both go hang yourselves. Honestly, she couldn't have made me feel worse, unless she started calling me names when I was going home like somebody (P). Anyway, she should not be the center of my anger, I should not waste time on a fat obese ginger slut-faced shit-headed scum bag. Anyhow, as I was saying, something bigger was happening in my life (not that anything can be bigger than her fat ass!) I was moving schools. It was a weird feeling, like the feeling you get when you start highschool, you get scared of loosing your friends. But you also have that sor...

Why did god create me this way? Why am I built like this? Why do I have to live like this? Why can't I be like any other normal person? Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be happy? Why do I have to be so depressed all the time? Why does it always rain on me? Why does life always kick me down, when I just got back up?

My parents literally found out my biggest secret in probably the worst way possible. I want to die.

I'm depressed, because my friend saw a photo of me on my phone that was private and very personal... Because my father won't let me go to anybody's house and because I'm moving schools and I want to talk to the school and sort out something the problem is I can't. Because then I would have to tell my parents. I'm also sad because I'll miss my friends and my councillor, who I've only started to get to know. I'm not sure it's going to be a right or wrong move since the school has some bad things been said about it from my friends (they might only be saying that becahse they don't want me to leave) yet some good things from a girl who goes there (a friend of a friend) and when I went to the school they had a pretty darn awesome school to me - and they had a famous person in their school! 

I feel so sad, I wish there was someone to talk to.

My parents had gone away for a while so I decided I was going to have a brill time in the shower, using all my creams, fancy soap, washing my hair, washing my underwear in the sink. And I was until next minute I hear loads of shouting and complaining, for a minute I thought it was in my head since I'm so used to my mother complaining but sadly no it wasn't just in my head, I had to quickly rush out the shower, my hair soaking wet but not washed, my creams all lined up ready to be used, my toothpaste sitting on the sink rim, and my underwear in the sink soaking. I had to quickly hide everything, collect my creams and toothpaste up and dash out, whilst my mother was shouting constantly, strangely it wasn't about how late my shower was, but about how my dad discussed my mothers strange eating habbits tbh they are strange. It's so fucking hard cooking for her that there isn't a fucking reason not to complain. She says that I have bad habbits with my food, she don't ...

I feel like a ice cube, that's only getting colder. 

So my brother knows me 'big secret' and literally the only reason why I told him so he wouldn't be all surprised if he saw me and plus I could also just carry on and not have to worry about hiding anything. Anyway, ages ago he told me his secret (aka his fetish) and I was just like... Okay? Because I'm not a hater, I don't judge welll not with people I like anyway. Aside from that he started judging me, he was just like sorry I can't talk to you, knowing what you told me. So I was so freakin' angry, I started telling him off and then he twists it around and tells me off? Who is in the wrong here? Please, people! I was so furious with him, I just though no, don't go down to his level be the better person and walk away, so I did. Aside from that shit, I had some good shit. Woop Woop! My new shoes came, but instead of going insane and freaking out that I had these amazing shoes, I was just literally like 'About fucking time.' so it wasn't that...

My parents can make me so fucking angry. Guess what they did? They invaded my privacy, and that is a serious no-no. They went on my fucking phone!? WTF!!! Just because I was out of the house and I forgot my phone, doesn't mean you can freaking do that! I WANT TO SCREAM IN THERE FACES!!!!! THEY MAKE ME SO FUCKING ANGRY. So you can't get onto my phone then what do you do? GO on my ipod touch? Like seriously? Do you not want your child to have privacy? I mean it's like me going into there room and looking through there stuff, you just don't do it. AND THEN WHAT DO THEY DO? They freakin' question me on it, I have to think of excuses so quickly it's unbelivable, for every lie that i've ever told I put a coin in the jar, I'd be a billionaire. (or whatever the saying is) Anyway aside from that, I had a pretty awesome-kinda-boring-in-places-but-still-pretty-more-interesting-then-my-normal-life time.

Everything is just going fine. Not fine fine, as in I'm just saying fine but I really hate it, well maybe a bit of that. But it's going okay I guess then. Everything is slowly repairing itself, I feel tons more happier with a new set of friends, I watched The Fault In Our Stars and I'm married to it now. I'm getting personalised shoes with two quotes from the move. 'The Thing about pain is it demands to be felt.' 'My thoughts are in the stars. I cannot fathom into consellations.' and they have 'Okay? Okay.' written on them to! Omg LOVE IT! Coming next month though because they have to be made first. I definitely have to read the book after I finished Matched. So excited!

Today, I got a phone call from school. Well my Dad did. And it was my head of year. My head of year told my Dad everything. And the counciling department actually said they would keep it confidential and not involve parents. But my head of year went against that and told my parents. My mother screamed at me, whilst my Dad gave me a dissapproving look. She kept mentioning her reputation was ruined, whilst my Dad just kept asking questions and when I was about to say something he'd just shout over me saying that it was wrong. I guess the support from home wasn't going to come anytime soon, nor was the support from school. My friends (my real ones) were really nice, and they could see it exactly from my prespective. They even said that what I did was right. I don't feel anger, I just feel curiousity of how this is going to escalate... I might not even have a laptop to publish a post anymore.

This post is going to be dedicated to my dear friends P and C. Let's start with P, a slut-faced shit-headed fat ugly turn off. She has ugly green eyes which are uneven and shaped funny. A bold patch on her forehead. White hair that makes her look like an albino or a really old great grandma. Freckle covered face with fat cheeks and crinkles under her eyes (not bags but flab) a chin that sticks out and an uneven placement of teeth and a weird shaped face that makes her look obese. Then she has a problem with her digestive system which makes her shit all the time. What would want to go out with that? Then you have C aka Courtney who looks like a boy, she is really chubby and doesn't have any facial features which make her interesting. Boring grey eyes. Dull Brown hair which she always puts in a ponytail. A deaf boys voice. A nose that sticks out and a sticky out chin too. Oh she's also adopted and she gets anything she wants, meaning she's spoilt. And god as a wish please...

Oh my god, my brother is seriously pissing me off. First, he gets in my business and causes something that may force me to change schools then he argues saying that it is all my fault!? And I'm like Bitch, if you didn't say that in the first place, Non of this would have happened. Anyway Yes, I may have to change schools. And am I really bothered? Nope, not really. But by leaving it makes it seem like the enemy has own and they haven't I've just moved on to a bigger opponent. 

Yesterday was the breaking point. I literally thought I was going to die. If I wasn't going to kill myself now, I would kill myself in my sleep. I was that depressed that I was going to kill myself. But I stopped. I don't know why, but I just stopped. It was as if someone had just stopped me. Maybe it was just because I was exhausted and didn't have enough energy to commit suicide or maybe it was because there was a voice in my head, telling me to stop. I even thought about killing myself today, because of how my so called best friend was with me. It was a different side to her, I was horrified. What has she turned into? Was she always this bitchy?  A Message to all 'Cutters' Dear Cutters, (Like Me) I cut because of depression. Not because I was to throw my life away (well maybe that) but because I'm depressed. Because everyday I get home from school and I want a hug, but theres no one to hug, theres no one to understand, but me. So I hug myself. But ...

Carlos my new flavour of the month. He's a guy I met online. And he's....HOT!!! Literally those ridiculously unbelievably hot guys of ex on the beach he's one of them. And maybe I could have a long term relationship with him, OMG imagine that! And he likes Me For me.

 Just want to die, my so called 'friends' have made me feel this way. I hate Her the most. I won't say anything too bad because she has the link to this blog and she is probably going to report it as online bullying or something. Anyway, she ruins everything, it was perfectly fine till she came, she destroys friendships and she doesn't even apologise or feel guilty. Snidey Bitch. And no this isn't you C.

My Life Sucks.

This must be like the third time I've missed like a week out, I've literally been so tired depressed and forgetful that I've totally forgotten I had a blog to moan about things. Sometimes I wonder what people think when they read my posts, to me I just seem normal, to others I might seem strange or boring though. Sorry I keep rambling on about things my brain just isn't working properly (probably because of this short break we have off school) so my wording is weird what I say is weird and the whole conversation is weird well it sounds that way. I honestly don't know what I'm saying so I'm just gonna shut up.

I don't know why but I'd suddenly taken an interest in steampunk culture although it's only fiction, I strangely find myself realistically thinking that may happen in the near by future at some point. Anyway I love their fashion! It's kind of gothic/punk/burlesque/clockwork it's brill!

Everything seemed a little easier now, I found out Courtney hadn't done what I thought she did I found out that a girl who I used to not like turns out to be a true friend and that their were people in my life that cared about me. 

I see it all, you've been pretending to be my friend this whole time. You've been treating me like a third wheel. You just told one of my biggest secrets, and you treat it lightly. I was so naive just to think that for a second you could actually be nice, that you could actually be trusted. I just want to say, I hope you die. To the person who this is written for.

Today, I organised to meet with my friend, she is probably my bestest friend and she cares about me. We went shopping and sorted out a lot of things that I've needed to do for a LONG time. And then we sat on a nice patch of grass and discussed the things that have been bugging me for ages. It felt good to be in public and to be myself. And then after... After, I got a text of my friend and she asked asked me a question, if I wanted to go out with her (that means date) anyway I didn't really didn't know what to say. So I asked her a personal question, if she knew my secret? Since she is the only one out of my friends that knows anyway she said Yes and she said the secret, anyway I asked her if she knew what that meant and then she said a completely different explanation of what she thought it meant, and it was different. So I said I'll tell you something on Monday that may change your mind. Anyway then she blamed it on her friend saying that she put that, when her friend...

I'm so Fancy I'm addicted to this so-ong Ive know it for like Two oo-oo weeks!  But Suddenly Everyone in my school knows They sing this song And it gets annoy-oy-oy-ying. Okay so everyone at school was singing it and I was pissed off the song felt special to me and people were just singing the song as a joke. Anyway it's not a big issue the loom bands are getting in the way of their popularity. I love both loom bands and Fancy! I really want the ringtone to Fancy but it's expensive for what it is! (£1) And with loom bands I really want the Loom band rainbow set! (£11)

A Today was the day, I call it the makeup day because I'm making up with all the mistakes I've made just to make them a little less harder. I had to go to the head of maths and talk to the lady, she actually seemed very nice despite the rumours obviously she wasn't so nice about what I wrote in the test so I had to answer a few questions on why I wrote it anyway so I had to do another (3rd time) test in the same room as I wrote all that bad stuff only I was accompanied by a whole lesson going on in the same room - not for me or my year. And I spent my first lesson and break doing that. The test was fairly normal, taking account I'm doing a gcse test 3 years before the year where I'm supposed to, unfortunately my revision notes didn't help merely because  they were for exams 10 years back. Anyway I did okay, and the head of maths said that I will finish off my test fourth lesson so on fourth lesson I finished off my test, with normal lessons inbetween, in geo...

My bladder needs were insane, I wasn't sure if it was because I was ill or because I drank too much water. It was crazy, I needed to go, 5 mins later need to go again, 5 mins later have to go AGAIN and so on. Anyway aside from my Toiletry needs, not a lot was happening ~ which was absolutely fantastic! No drama! Although my current face situation was not very positive...

Wow, I will be seriously surprised if you have read 70 of my posts. If you have, I feel like you know me, even if you were a random stranger, you could literally come up to me and talk to me about anything and really understand me. Anyway, so what has happened in the last 70 posts? Hmm, well I have had Pregnancy symptoms, broken hearts, stupid drama, annoying friends, celebrity crushes and much more. Although it hasn't been eventful, I just know that these are steps leading up to something big. Something that is going to change my life forever ~ Now just a few notes: Current Favourite Song(s): Empire - Shakira, Your Body - Christina Aguilera Current Favourite Celebrity: Shailene Woodley Current Crush: Theo James Current Colour: Green Favourite Post(s): Breath & most of the first posts are quite intense.

I was so pissed off at my so called best friend, first she doesn't answer my texts (using a stupid excuse) and then I hear she says something in PE. What a bitch. And apparently, according to a big fat gossiping pig-faced slut-faced god's mistake cow-arsed gossiping ho, she said my legs look like sticks. Now I'm not sure to take that as an insult or a compliment but I'm going to take that part as a compliment. Now the fact that she's been commenting on my looks, is a serious insult. And on top of that she starts commenting on my spots? Seriously even Luke didn't go there, bitch I'm going to these things called HORMONES, CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? I think that life is a fucking hell hole because of these things, and I don't need your input on top of it!!!

I'm sure many many people can relate to the feeling ~ Unloved. My cousins never called, sure I'm upset about it but I don't blame them, if I was India I wouldn't bother listening to someone complain about the weather and school. And plus I haven't had a guy in my life in like forever. I guess I'm just being a bit dramatic. 

I was getting fake pregnancy symptoms, I really wanted a baby, huh? Maybe too much dreaming. My belly was becoming bloated and I started to throw up at school, I actually considered maybe getting a test, but then i realised. You have to have sex to be pregnant. And I hadn't lost my v-card ~ not yet anyway. I pray to anyone who can help, I wish I could become pregnant and have a baby, obviously when I'm a little older, please.

(Clearly Weird, Talking to Self. Screw Therapists, I give my own Therapy) OMG You cannot like Luke, not after all he's done. I don't love him, I'm just having second thoughts on do forgetting him. I know it's hard, but nobody said it was easy to move on. No kidding, it's really hard to move on when he's all up in your face. I know- wait, what? Not in that way! I meant he's in like all my classes and I just can't avoid him, he nearly tried to talk to me after I sent that text. (I sent him a text saying: i give up. Which means I give up on trying to get him, he probably is still confused and hasn't gotten that yet) Hmmm... Yeah soooo Sooo? Theo James boo boo? What? He doesn't like me... I bet if he met you he would He's a celebrity and I'm not... -yet! No it won't work plus he's like 30 (29 to be precise) he's way way older. True. Infact I think he's old enough to be my dad... Weird. Not weird! Imagine if h...

I had a new man in my life, sure he didn't know me and is so much older than me but he is just yum!  Even still with this positive attitude I didn't want to go to school, I didn't do my history homework for the third time, didn't do my English homework, had PE today. Had science today, I was getting Sick of all these teachers, of all these kids. I wish someone would just come out of nowhere and give me a better life. 

I don't want to go back, not just to my school but to my life. Things are so complicated and it's hard trying to figure them out, it seems like there's no outcome, no end to this everlasting cycle of madness. I hate my school, this society, my town, this body. I hate it all but most of all I hate this world and what a cruel place it's become. I don't want to go back.

The main reason I haven't been posting. The Holiday was truly lovely, I hadn't really gone for a holiday but to get together with some relatives who live abroad in India. I had an amazing time, but I really didn't want to leave. But since I prepared myself for the leaving I had it all covered and I only cried like once. Well, you don't expect me to not cry at all? Anyway I'm definitely not looking foward to school, but after watching Easy A, I decided that I wouldn't care about how I looked, or what people thought of me. I was my own person. I only hope that myself will keep with those thoughts next week. In India however, I met a crush. No they wasn't living with us. No it was not one of my relatives -that would be really weird!- It was... Theo James! Yes, I watched Divergent in India and watching it my eyes were always on Four, I mean he's A-DOOOOOR-ABLE. But instead of having a little 'Ryan Gosling' 'oh he's hot' thing, I have ...

I had the goodbye I always wanted. It was hard but it was also sweet. Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't going to work out.  Last Night I dyed my hair. Yes I dyed my hair. Instead of coming out red it came out purple. But it was still excellent, it was new and fresh and made me look so much more interesting. Instead people would notice me. Maybe only as the one with purple hair or grape but it was epic the effect. It was the talk of the year do done day. '---- has died their hair purple! OMG how did they not get in trouble? That was a bold move.' Anyway aside from that Luke noticed. He kept on smiling at me, now I wasn't sure if it was because he was about to laugh or he was trying to get used to it but it was awesome. A few teachers noticed ~ hah still not in trouble!  So today was an alright day. Oh I forgot I watched a performance that one of my siblings was in and it was... okay. 

Sorry I haven't been posting lately, I feel like I've been drugged. My brain just hasn't been working lately, I feel so tired just to even text or play a game, anyway I  had Wednesday off and I watched the walking dead, brickleberry, ugly Americans and I played Suprem Wars (Civilization Wars £0.69) and Plants Vs Zombies 2 and Epic Duel, oh and also I don't know why but I'm bankrupt, I haven't even bought anything. My dad says he's 'borrowed' £80 but I think he's borrowed £100, because I had more than 80 in my wallet, and now there isn't anything in my wallet. Oh and on top of that my builders club is ending next month and I can't afford lifetime with only £80. And then I want to buy GoPlus which is £38 kind off. Sheesh, the internet is so expensive these days. So I'm screwed with money, I guess the only thing I have to look foward to is next week. My hair is being dyed on Wednesday, and I break off from school on Friday. Oh and if I g...

Luke was strangely fitting back into my good books. Maybe It was just me. Apart from a massive Harry Potter scratch on my forehead  my day went okay. Probably because I sit across from Luke! Well nearly across. And we had a pen war ( a war of pen throwing) not exactly romantic but it was sweet. Our eye contact was amazing, I felt like we were about to kiss, or I'd been injured on the battlefield and he'd come to save me. Aaahh Luke <3

The damage was done. I said it all. And I hadn't the slightest of regret inside me, well the only regret that was inside me was that I should have smashed her face in. But unfortunately (and fortunately) that is cruel and illegal. But next time, I will smash her face in because maybe that'll make her cry. Well, atleast I made one of them cry, and fairly she was ugly as heck! I mean aside from her natural ugly fat, face - this was hideous and to be fair fucking gold! Also I knew something about the other one, that would make her entire highschool fall apart and I really want to just spill it all out. Anyway I was actually just making it up as it came along, but as hell was it good! I couldn't stop I just wanted to say more, and from now on I promise myself that I will handle all my problems like that just blurting out how I feel about people. If they don't like it, well they shouldn't have come.

I'm not going to make this post long, since I should be in bed sleeping because I am well- Ill. But I feel really sick, and I just don't feel like going to school. It's fucking epic though, I get to miss PE, miss any drama that'll happen when I'm gone, and well just be myself and spend time thinking the time I should have spent ages ago!

I'm hear to tell you today about a little girl by the name of P. This little girl has been giving me hell so I'm going to express how I feel about her. That shit-headed blonde slut-faced fat ugly slag will never get a boyfriend - or a fucking girlfriend to be fair. Let alone her weird obsession with a fucking toilet but honestly it always has to be about her the way she talks is like that and oh my fucking hell she has this really annoying crush on her little brother, she even takes fucking videos off him - I mean how much of a peodiphille is she. Her Whinny voice always complaining and saying nothing funny, but when she wants something she fucking shouts for it, maybe it's because she's fat and is used to shouting at her parents for not making enough food for her oversized head. I wish she'd just die.

Its time time to face the fucking music. The reason why nobody likes you, is because you don't like you. You are so negative, and so false, and so manpulative to yourself. Why am I fucking doing this? I'm counciling my selfs. Because that's how sad my life is. But who made it this way? You did. If you want something go and get it.

Not only had I fallen out with my real life friends I'd fallen out with my online ones to. Plus it was over something so stupid like loosing a game. Sometimes I get angry at my self, but most of the time I get angry at others. Because more than often, it is there fault. Recently (well only today) my throat is hurting. I think I may have developed another throat infection, or I met just be sick because when I swallowed I have that disgusting sicky feeling in the back of my throat. Anyway at least there is one positive, I'll be dying my hair next week, and hanging out with L. So I guess it's not all that bad. But 99.684% of the time - it is.

Sometimes I just fucking hate girls, and I fucking hate boys too... But I hate girls more. And thats not including L, because she is just fucking amazing, but she is also limited for time. Anyway I will explain why I'm in such a shitty mood. Its because I told my school friend a really big secret, and another secret about this blonde slut-faced slag. Anyway, later on that day. Well after school, my friend (who I told the secret to) was waiting for me and she told me not to tell the blonde slut-faced slag. Then that fucking blonde slut-faced shit-spreading stupid slag started yelling at me saying 'I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE BEEN SPREADING SHIT ABOUT ME' well fuck you. Not everything is fucking about you you shit head go fucking die. I'm never going to grass on the friend that told me.

School was shit...again... Luke seemed to notice me less than before but it was okay, like when we were in English I went to get two dictionaries (one for me and my friend) and then he got up to get one and I let him passed as I was leaving and he looked down and said Thank You. I didn't reply maybe I should have but what do I say? I was put on the spot there, I would have had a chat with him if he was alone and didn't have his stupid friend next to him. Because his stupid friend keeps looking at my like I'm some fucking exotic beautiful alien, not that that is a bad thing but it kind of creeps me out, he's like popular (sort off) so it's not in his place to look at me but he does, anyway I was afraid that he might ask how Luke knows me so I just kept quiet and went passed him. Oh by the way about my hair my friends think I'm crazy for dying it red and I might get sent home but that's FUCKING amazing!!! They say that you could get excluded for it, it would m...

My Hair Dye arrived today, it's 'Crazy Colour's 'Cyclamen' and to be honest, I'm really excited about it, it looks a bit gooey but I just really want to try it out. I hope it stays in for school, so everyone will be like 'Woah, whose that?' and I might just catch Luke's attention, maybe he'll be like 'You suit that colour, let's date' Hahaha, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I hope my friend (L) doesn't see this post because when I go out shopping with her it's going to be dyed! And I want it to be a surprise!

Okay, I faked a migrane to get out of PE, it was like the fucking hardest thing to do. It was like I had to write 'MIGRANE' on my head for them to figure it out, I said that the lights seemed really bright, and that they could speak a little softer and I complained of a headache but I guess it obviously didn't work. Orginally, I wanted to get the whole day off but instead I just got PE off, and guess what they were doing in Pe ~Volleyball. (BTW: Volleyball is probably my -only- favourite sport) Well I guess they weren't doing proper volleyball since they were doing it with badminton rackets but still. Anyway my gym teacher had told me to look in the pe closet for a 'long grey rod' to pull the basketball nets back in the sports hall. Anyway I can't find anything so there was no luck for me. Anyway it turns out that neither of us could find it so we just left it there. Anyway I decided that I should just text my friend (mentioned before in the 'breathe...

I've dedicated this whole post to my one and only true love. *two fingers for Luke* Luke is a total jackass thinking about it now, I mean why did I ever fall for that guy. Oh wait I know because I'm naive and stupid. I mean, he hasn't been nasty to me but the way he acts the kind of language he uses the kind of people he hangs around with, he even truents lessons. I mean do I really want to be hanging around, let alone date, someone like that. Maybe I should just stop chasing after him, but it isn't that easy there is just some kind of attraction towards him. Urgh, why couldn't my heart just choose someone who is suitable and easy to attract. I mean I know so many guys who are interested in me (Some of them have weird ways of showing it, actually some of them are just weird all together) like I thought I was just being a slut when I thought that these guys like me, but it came to me later - I was actually right. Anyway, UP YOURS LUKE! I wish you the fucking best wit...

There was something wrong about everything, nothing was perfect, and everything irrtated you in some ways. Even my friends. Do you know what? For one post I'm not going to talk about them. Fuck Them. Anyway I had a haircut on Friday (sorry for not putting that on Friday's post) and it's totally ~ shit. I look like that old grandma (Madge, I think) of Benidorm! Its literally a short bob, with a more scruffy look then elegance. Anyway when I dye my hair red I want my hair to be long enough to carry it off. My frien- I mean some people didn't really like the idea but I did. I just fancied a change from my normal brown especially when people say it is black. ITS NOT FUCKING BLACK ITS DARK BROWN! Can people not tell the difference? Sheesh! Oh btw, on Sunday I sneakily got Left 4 Dead 2 without my Dad knowing since it was on sale for £3.49 or something like that. I felt well naughty but later when he came back from drinking he was actually fine with it. (Or maybe that was bec...

When you ready, Come on get it ~ Nanana. Sorry just got that song stuck in my head. Anyway today I did loads and LOADS of things. (To be fair, not that much) I went to my local craft shop to get some felt tips, note pads and all that jazz. (There wasn't any silk or fabric so I could design some clothes ~ or maybe a flapper dress) Anyway I had also spoken to my drama teacher about doing grades (Yes, I'm that sad that I love doing exams) and exams, we also spoke about irritating people and how to get more people to join the group. Holy shit, I just realised. I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW! NOOOOOO! *looks for gun* NOOOOOOOOO!

I honestly, didn't care about anything else in the world but me ~ at this point. No homework to do, no screaming kids (or parents for the record) just me and my laptop. Fuck my school friends, and fuck everybody who pissed me off that week. I didn't really do much today, but sit around play on my game and...play on my game.

At some parts in the day, I felt organised and prepared for anything and at others I felt like the room was slanting from side to side, unstable and unprepared. I got a mixture, and getting the unstable feeling happened in PE, my head was all over the place, and I couldn't even walk in a straight line - Honestly, I felt like I was going to faint, to be honest I still do. And by 'organised' I meant I actually put up some posters on my door with skin & hair tips, and making my 'How much water did you drink today?' chart. As aparently, water helps grow hair (I had a very upsetting apointment with the hairdresses' that I will tell you all about later) and keeps your skin hydrated which means that it is really healthy and clean therefore preventing pimples, spots and all that jazz also getting rid of them. It all starts on Monday, and I'm taking Pictures to see the progress. I will put how much water I drink, and maybe put a picture up of the chart. And I wil...

I don't know why I fell so depressed nothing bad has happened today. PE is getting better (I have it tomorrow) and I got away with my sneaky English Assessment. Oh wait, Luke moved seats in French. Still. It wasn't because of me he moved, but because of this stupid girl. They were fighting, not really fight fighting but like having a banter anyway he just gets annoyed with people that annoy him, so he moved. Literally, he just asked and he got moved. I hope he doesn't stay there the forever  I hope I get to sit next to him, at least once this year. Anyway I have to get to sleep. Good Night <3

I just smuggled my English book home, when we weren't supposed to. Now let me explain, I had written loads and loads of words on this Gothic Chapter since we were going to do a Gothic Chapter for assessment for our end-of-term examination thingy. But instead it was called a CONTROLLED assessment, meaning she had to be there to time us, watch us, and help us. And we have 3 lessons to do this assessment, so I just wrote a load of random rubish. And I smuggled my book into my bag at the end of the lesson, and literally I've spent my whole day copying all that I wrote into my book. It's taking ages, I want to do something fun! Anyway, once it's nearly done (It's never gonna be properly finished) I will post it. It's about this girl (designed based on me) and there is this guy (obviously, he's designed like Luke) anway they get pretty romantic, I didn't put too much in case I had to read it out and my class supected something, and plus then it gets a bit clic...

Time after time, I forget about all that I've been through and it was a hell of a lot worse than this. I shouldn't be brought down by a couple of shit-stirring dramatic bitches. Same goes for Luke. I will have a lot of different experiences in my Life, and these were only a few of them. So I don't get my Teenage Dream - who fucking cares. As long as I've got me, I don't mind. Well maybe I do mind a bit, but hopefully I will balance it out by having a fantastic adulthood and then well die ~ peacefully. Anyway I was slightly annoyed that Luke didn't answer my text message from the real ME, but the bbm message from the catfishing ME. He doesn't like to text much does he... Oh shit, I just remembered something. People who own a blackberry have bbm as there texts and not as an app, so will I turn up as the catfishing me when I said I was the real ME. (Sorry very confusing.) No it's not possible or else he would've said something. Luke fucking pees me of...

Okay, we made up about it. Even though I'm still furiously angry with her. Anyway so since I stopped being friends with my best friend. (Including Facebook, Twitter etc.) Aparently, she hasn't been friends with the blonde slut-faced slag. Anyway this is what my other best friend said. 'Ocean'. She showed me the messages her and my best friend had been sharing, they said it all. I just realised that my best friend isn't really a best friend but rather a toy, you use it and then you toss it back into that old box that you will never open again. She shouldn't be taken seriously, that means that I can't tell her any secrets too,

I'm nervous about going to school today since I know I'm going to get all kinds of crap coming from 3 people I despise. And 1 more who I could care less about. In English I sit next to my EX best friend and next to this fat ugly bitch who hates me. I might move next to Luke and one of my other friends but then someone in front I don't like. And if Luke moves that will be embarrassing plus it will only cause more attention for me and Luke might think I'm being clingy. Urgh. This sucks, I don't want to know what happens next - I really don't.

Hell gave me the starter yesterday, and now it's served the main course today. I mean life was probably a lot worse for other people and I get that, my family only give a shit about there problems so they forget about my problems. And it wasn't because I had PE today, far from it. I actually pretty much enjoyed PE. Luke didn't even make eye-contact with me once today (personally I don't blame him, since we didn't meet much that often) well I guess he did breathe on my neck in Tech. Anyway so I had told my best friend about my day in hell yesterday, it involved this stupid Blonde slut-faced slag. And then she went ahead and told the blonde slut-faced slag. WHEN I FUCKING TOLD HER NOT TO. FUCK HER. FUCK HER. FUCK HER. GO ROT IN HELL YOU SLAGS. I HOPE YOU LIVE A HORRIBLE LIFE, FULL OF MISERY AND GUILTYNESS! FUCK BOTH OF THEM! And just to make me even more pissed off. She didn't even say sorry, or speak to me. And aparently she said that she didn't know why I ...

The first part of my school day - Fucking Fantastic The second part of my school day - Suicidal. The First Part I had Maths, French, English. Maths was, boring. I got a scrunched up piece of paper thrown at me and my best friend decided to hit me a couple of time, apart from that no action at all. And French was admirable. We had a new seating plan, and apart from getting stuck next to some Stupid Blonde Stuck-Up Fucking Shit-headed Wish-she'd-just-die Slag, everything was perfect. Maybe if Luke was a little closer, so this girl wouldn't complain about Luke leaning on her to talk to me. I guess beggers can't be choosers. Whilst I was writing the L.O. (Learning Objective and shit) Me and Luke made eye-contact a couple of times and then when I looked over he was briefly sleeping (He is so CUTE WHEN HE SLEEPS)  and I was staring at his face because he was so cute, and then he opened his eyes and looked at me, then smiled. Then I blushed a I was as smart as always and answe...

I'm taking my heart back and giving it to someone worthy enough for it. That's not you. If you think I will just pop up whenever you want me to or be your slutty seconds then you can think again. And maybe come up with the thought that there will never be a us, not until you give me a hell of an apology. If that will be forgiven. You broke my heart. So I break your heart.

Today was PE, that was actually the FINE part - for once. But I just felt like utter shit today, my best friend insisted on being a fucking bitch right at the end, then my brother insisted on being a fucking dick head, then my other best friend decided it was fucking fine to ignore me, then the lessons were shit and then- you get the point. Sometimes school makes you want to die. Apart from the suicidal ideas created from school I had plenty of happy things on my mind such as getting Lily Allen's 'It's Not me, It's You' Album on my phone so I could listen to it all night. I swear to god, I love that girl. She is fucking fantastic. I still have some bad things on my chest and I need to get them off. I'm getting weaker lately, I'm not sure if it is because I'm missing PE or not eating dinner (actually they both contribute to the idea) but I'm scared. If I get in a real fight, I might not be able to handle it. I need to stop thinking like that, I'...

Maybe I caught the wrong end of the stick. Maybe Luke wasn't an asshole, maybe... I thought I didn't like him but everytime I say that, God has to put some fucking planned shit that makes me meet him again. I don't know if it's fate or just all in my head but maybe me and Luke were destined together. Wait, what? What am I saying, we are NOT destined together. Never EVER EVER EVER EVER. FUCK LUKE!!! Anyway I haven't even told you what it is yet. We got sat next to each other in Music (I'm FUCKING AWESOME at music!) and we had this cute little convo (or argument) about how you pronouce 'Bass' which was pronouced 'B-ae-s' but he kept pronoucing it 'Ba-s' and then him and this girl asked me about why you have two hands in keyboard. It was a no-brainer but I answered it because, because well I was being nice...

I felt alone. No one is here for me, maybe no one will be ever be. My whole life was messed up, I was supposed to be smart, but that didn't work. I was supposed to be beautiful, that didn't work. I was supposed to be strong, that didn't work. I was supposed to be independant, but that didn't work. I was supposed to have the perfect high school life, that didn't work. I was just a dreamer, I dreamed about everything. But non of it actually happened. Everything seems so confusing and broken. I need help. Why do I have to fucking bottle everything up? Why can't people get that It's really not okay? WHY IS THIS WHOLE FUCKING WORLD FUCKED UP!? Stop with all the fucking shit hole, stop rushing everything alone. Just give me some time to fucking think, everything is moving so fast it's hard to catch up. Why is everything going so wrong? There always has to be a fucking problem, doesn't there?

Guess what? I got my internet back. Fuck Yeah! It just arrived in the post - the router. But now that I had the router I didn't know what to do with it since then I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But now it just seems pretty useless. However, I don't want to loose it again! 

Fridays Post This was another meal with my Grandma. But this time we were taking her out. It was this posh French cuisine fine dining. Now I didn't know if I liked French. But it was okay.  Later on, I tasted the food and it was awful. It was crispy and hard to cut. I ordered probably the most simplest meal - chicken. I'm not sure what you think but most people eat chicken. Now I'm not one of those stuck-up snobs ~ far from it. But that food was awful! I would've just eaten from the chippy. Despite my taste buds, everyone else's taste buds were fine. Infact more than fine... Today's Post As I stumbled out of bed, my dad asked me to come down. Oh god this sounds like a fucking book. Anyway my cousin is doing this gsce photoshoot and he needs some models for the shoot and since it was last minute it was me and his  sister doing the modeling. I'm not the best at modeling or looks but I think I did pretty good. 

I wasn't sure if it was just or it was just me. But I really seemed to question the idea of me being the ideal love interest. Maybe my personality wasn't as modest as I thought it was. Maybe my looks weren't as beautiful as I thought they were. It was bugging me, did people really not want to talk to me. Did my breathe smell? Am I coming on too strong? Do I look funny? Did something embarrassing happen that I don't know? Urgh, I wish I was a hottie with a way of the words and not some high-maintenance, moaning, stuck-up cow. Yes, that's really how I think about my self. Maybe that's how others think of me , but online...well. I just seem like a whole other person I give off this calming aura and I seem like the person everyone wants to be friends with.  I have some gossip and thank The Lord - it's not about me! (I get a lot of gossip about me at school - 99.9% negative) It's about my Dad, he might be taking this job in Greece. And then I might go on holi...

Aparently my phone has a limit on how much data it can use, Fuck That. I have a contract and my contract don't say nothing about that. My parents should just sack the lot and go to a different network. Orange, ignorant selfish greedy bastards.  Nothing much happened today, apart from a constant craze over leon ockenden, a mad frustration over resonance of fate, no gta online (explanation below) and no collecting my daily Robux because of the Internet issue. Luckily I can still write posts and save them as drafts and publish them when I get my internet back... Gta online have this valentines day update which has loads of clothes and hairstyles for the females. They said they might have a limited time for claiming them but I hope not. 

I haven't been able to post since I've had a massive issue with the network. But I've found a way to get past it - my phone! Don't ask me why my phone is working with the internet because i still haven't figured it out my self and I'm not questioning!!!  Valentines No my love didn't come, to be honest I don't think he'll ever come. At least I knew it wasn't going to be Luke. Luke was acting like a total prat on valentines (not to me though) I'm not sure if it's because of his single issues (he's a player) and he's not used to it or his ex was gonna dump him on Valentines but seriously! Luke was going to go down hill but I'm not going to be there when he falls - I'm not going to catch him. I'm just going to watch as life tears him apart.  15th February  My hand seriously hurts, or my wrist. Urgh. Just on my holiday it had to do this. Speaking of holidays I'm going to India in Easter! (Even though we seriously cannot...

I wanted love like real love not the evil Catfishing love with Luke the real thang. My best friend had decided to get a date for valentines so I wished her well since it was the first time either of us had a valentines... Today was alright having faked an fake tooth ache was difficult I had to lie to the dentist as well for it too! Anyway my eye is itchy so I'm going to go to bed.

It wasn't fantastic this day, as I had no motivation. No Courtney. No Luke. That meant nothing then. Well nothing important. My continuos memory loss of what lesson was next was really dragging my time, and my lessons seem to drag to so I was always constantly glancing at the clock. I had a massive wood piece stuck in my eye for tech. Some random new girl has come to my French and she is sitting next to Luke. MY Luke. I had drama and our performance was Rubish - like usual. I had this strange urge that PE was going to be good tomorow but I still thought of a couple of reasons to counter that. I messages Luke by acident when I went to the toilets to message my other friend, honestly though the toilets were actually a great place to go on your phone without getting caught, I loved it but if you came back after like a minute everyone thought you were having a shit when you werent even using the toilet at all. My friend asked me to go on that expensive ski trip too and claimed that Cou...

Something was seriously up with Luke, he was trying to get closer to the real  me. I wasn't sure if I was just being paranoid or if it was really happening or if it was because he got sucpicous about the catfishing and thought it was me but he sat next to me in Tech on Monday, cut in the dinner line (I told him not to) and he had made direct shout outs to me in History. But I wasn't going to fall for it, as it might be all entirely in my head, I had to sit back and relax. And wait until the time was right to pounce on my prey. I had to lure Luke in, make him think that I didn't notice him, but secretly I did and I was corrupting inside. Flappy Birds? The difficult, badly-designed crappy game had become a major hit and then later on, removed from the app store. I had downloaded the app not really because I liked it but because everyone was talking about it, luckily I had it in time. Aparently you can sell your phone for loads if you have flappy birds installed, and by loads...

It seemed like last night was totally forgotten, my dance partners had ignored me and I there was no talk about the party. But I was all set for MY party, my 14th birthday party because my 13th was such a let down. It was going to be the highlight of the entire year and set of a chain of this new party lifestyle.

Okay so I went to a party and it was EPIC! Anyway since drinking a big energy drink I've been seriously hyper. I just have to do something to keep my self entertained and mostly meant messaging Luke or blogging.  What happened at the Party... Well firstly we were literally all at the door waiting for the fucking birthday girl to show her face and invite us in and then we were still there just chatting until we finally went to the dance room. My friend insists that I danced but to be honest I was a little embarrassed to dance but that only lasted for 30 mins as I really wanted to dance. I pulled some moves but none of them any good to be featured on a show like step up. Requested some songs. And the birthday girl had this song that she was singing - it was terrible! I went outside a couple of times to cool off and I got this energy drink as there was a shop down that road and when I went back and put it down the waitress picked it And said we don't allow drinks from outside so I...

Luke stopped sending me messages as frequent as he used to it made me worry. Did Luke find out or have suspicions? Well I was going to put him in his place, if he was going to take his time so was I. Or was it because I was doing too much of that? Luke just really needs someone since his break up that should be me mainly because I caused it... TOP SONG: One Night Only ~ Jennifer Hudson

The damage had been done. I broke up them. They were never going to be together again, because of me. I felt terrible when I saw her. When I heard her, I felt horrible. When I spoke to him, I felt...better... Alright, we were flirting non stop. Did he really fall in love with this fake profile? If I grew more like that girl in the picture would he like me? And I didn't know what I was going to do next, build up our relationship and say that I'd pranked him, tell him that I love him? Urgh. Too much thinking. So little time. God, why can't I just move on? I got Luke to watch this really freaky, cool movie called 'Stoker'. I've seen it and its amazing! And it'll really freak him out. TOP SONG: Disclosure - You and Me

Wow, I was actually scared of this freak and what he was going to do. I hated people touching me, especially when they hit me. I just wish people left me alone when I wanted to be alone and came more often when I needed them. I hadn't got a message of him - yet! To be fair he hasn't read the broadcast, I'm trying to play it cool so he would initiate all our conversations but it wasn't really working. I want to go to sleep but I don't becaus of PE tomorrow. I might just stay up till 11:30. 

Crying, crying was the only way I could reall let out my anger as it let it just flow right out of me. But I was NOT going to do it in front of anyone else unless I was really hurt. So I had to hold my tears back until the end of the lesson and go to the toilet and let it all out. Unfortunately, it was not really the right place since the 'sound proof' walls weren't at all really sound prood and in my school, crying was a thing you could be bullied about. Yeah, it's THAT bad... I haven't messaged Luke, but last night or earlier this day? (we spoke until 0:09 then I 'insisted that he went to sleep) he told me that he was definitely going to break up with his girlfriend today. I was happy, but I felt bad, bad that I pushed him so he could break up with her. It wasn't right, but luckily I think he hasn't broken up with her - yet... I'll just have to wait a bit and find out all the details, wish me luck. I might write a book or two! But my grammar ...

Luckily, it wasn't about the catfishing. But I got in trouble - for something so stupid. I was in a terrible mood and I felt like I was going to be evil. And guess what? I was evil, evil to the person who grassed on me. I stole her planner and threw it into one of the bins in the toilets. Yep, that was evil. If I told her though, then she would be evil. I best keep it another secret, another piece of shit on my plate. Well my plate is getting full. And this catfishing is actually backfiring, instead of getting the sweet revenge of hurting Luke it was hurting me. It was causing me more heart ache, and I began planning out my future to. One thing was certain though, I was definitely going to live in America not in this shit hole of a country. It's just how, I have no idea how the hell I'm going to get rights so I could live over there - permenantly. One of my pecuilar ideas was to become a mega popstar and apply for a passport over there. Maybe that'd work. In America, ...

I had gone to plan z and tried the last no-no in the book ~ Cat Fishing. That evil hobby, of some ugly dork, who doesn't have a good enough life so they pretend to live someone elses. It was working since I used a less-popular unknown person. But if they found out I was cat fishing I could get in some serious sh*t. It just made me a little upset, Luke did like my personality, the way I message him, everything was fine. He just didn't like me. But he seemed to like the other me. This is so confusing, and so irritating. My crush likes the fake me better than the real me. He's even breaking up with his girlfriend because of some online fake account messaging him on the first day. And we've already organised and sent flirts to each other. He is so nice to talk to when he likes you. But now I was certain, Luke was never going to go out with me as I was now, I would have to come for him later. When I was older. Love is blind, well at least it is for me... School was epic, I...

Today, was awful more than words could describe awful. Luke was giving me no sign of affection, neither was Courtney (my so called BFF) I didn't know if it was me or if it was them but today seemed like everybody could just trample on me like I was dirt to them. I got in trouble for my slutty sense in uniform. Courtney's friend had threw her book at me in english and then when I picked it up to throw at her, I get the fucking blame for it, God, shove them bitches in a room and lock it! Then just to make my english lesson worse some bitch decided to talk about me and all eyes were on me and I hadn't a single clue what to do or say, because I had no idea what they were talking about if it was good or if it was bad. And worst of all my Luke was joining in, and most of the class. The angry within me made me tremble with fear as what I might do. Yes, you could say I have anger issues. No, medically I hadn't a single problem apart from my constant colds and spots popping up t...

Today was slightly more different than I thought, Over the top makeup, Ripped leggings, Itchy wig to me it actually appeared lucky as nothing drastic had happened. I had more confidence on stage than off, like BIG TIME! My drama teacher had made more jokes than he should have and my friend Lotte just stole the show. She even had to play-in as this character called 'Father Bear' not really the best role for a lady but she was fine and if I can say she was miles better than the real Father Bear! Anyway my role included putting tarty makeup on and wearing an over-sized bra so it was kind of uncormfortable to walk around and strech. Also it was really hot! Not in a hot, 'Oh that guy is hot ' but in a 'Oh my, its freaking boiling in here!' partially because I was in a fat suit (it was hairy too!) but also because I did a LOT of moving around. So thats why I carried a fan around, also because I nothing to do with my hands so now I could strike so mother-like poses and...

I'm so excited for tomorow! My show is tomorrow, I'm obviously a bit nervous but I've done this so many times it's easy and well simple. I literally haven't done anything all day because I really want today to go fast so I can hurry up and get on with tommorow. So really there isn't much to tell, apart from I'm seriously considering dip dying my hair blue! Oh Yeah, on roblox my friend Kacia is having boyfriend issues. Sheesh! If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't have any issues - as long as hes hot! I don't know what stinked more the fact that I hadn't had a boyfriend or the fact that an eleven-year old has more love-interests than me. Either way, I stopped thinking about Luke and thought more about that future guy, who would be my husband, father of my kids and my soul mate. Assuming that guy was never going to be Luke, Luke had not answered my message -Seriously! Put a dick on that dude because he isn't acting like he has one. If he wants to ign...

My school day was shit I was alone at dinner time because my best friend didn't show yet again at school. I got slapped around the back of my head three times. And my hard-earned attempt to get out of PE was useless. After school, drama was pretty epic - as always. I felt a bit more at home this time and like I got on with nearly everyone. Our performance was awful but I'm going to change EVERYTHING on the night,  and make it worth living for...