My Life

Hell gave me the starter yesterday, and now it's served the main course today. I mean life was probably a lot worse for other people and I get that, my family only give a shit about there problems so they forget about my problems. And it wasn't because I had PE today, far from it. I actually pretty much enjoyed PE. Luke didn't even make eye-contact with me once today (personally I don't blame him, since we didn't meet much that often) well I guess he did breathe on my neck in Tech. Anyway so I had told my best friend about my day in hell yesterday, it involved this stupid Blonde slut-faced slag. And then she went ahead and told the blonde slut-faced slag. WHEN I FUCKING TOLD HER NOT TO. FUCK HER. FUCK HER. FUCK HER. GO ROT IN HELL YOU SLAGS. I HOPE YOU LIVE A HORRIBLE LIFE, FULL OF MISERY AND GUILTYNESS! FUCK BOTH OF THEM! And just to make me even more pissed off. She didn't even say sorry, or speak to me. And aparently she said that she didn't know why I ...

The first part of my school day - Fucking Fantastic The second part of my school day - Suicidal. The First Part I had Maths, French, English. Maths was, boring. I got a scrunched up piece of paper thrown at me and my best friend decided to hit me a couple of time, apart from that no action at all. And French was admirable. We had a new seating plan, and apart from getting stuck next to some Stupid Blonde Stuck-Up Fucking Shit-headed Wish-she'd-just-die Slag, everything was perfect. Maybe if Luke was a little closer, so this girl wouldn't complain about Luke leaning on her to talk to me. I guess beggers can't be choosers. Whilst I was writing the L.O. (Learning Objective and shit) Me and Luke made eye-contact a couple of times and then when I looked over he was briefly sleeping (He is so CUTE WHEN HE SLEEPS)  and I was staring at his face because he was so cute, and then he opened his eyes and looked at me, then smiled. Then I blushed a I was as smart as always and answe...

I'm taking my heart back and giving it to someone worthy enough for it. That's not you. If you think I will just pop up whenever you want me to or be your slutty seconds then you can think again. And maybe come up with the thought that there will never be a us, not until you give me a hell of an apology. If that will be forgiven. You broke my heart. So I break your heart.

Today was PE, that was actually the FINE part - for once. But I just felt like utter shit today, my best friend insisted on being a fucking bitch right at the end, then my brother insisted on being a fucking dick head, then my other best friend decided it was fucking fine to ignore me, then the lessons were shit and then- you get the point. Sometimes school makes you want to die. Apart from the suicidal ideas created from school I had plenty of happy things on my mind such as getting Lily Allen's 'It's Not me, It's You' Album on my phone so I could listen to it all night. I swear to god, I love that girl. She is fucking fantastic. I still have some bad things on my chest and I need to get them off. I'm getting weaker lately, I'm not sure if it is because I'm missing PE or not eating dinner (actually they both contribute to the idea) but I'm scared. If I get in a real fight, I might not be able to handle it. I need to stop thinking like that, I'...

Maybe I caught the wrong end of the stick. Maybe Luke wasn't an asshole, maybe... I thought I didn't like him but everytime I say that, God has to put some fucking planned shit that makes me meet him again. I don't know if it's fate or just all in my head but maybe me and Luke were destined together. Wait, what? What am I saying, we are NOT destined together. Never EVER EVER EVER EVER. FUCK LUKE!!! Anyway I haven't even told you what it is yet. We got sat next to each other in Music (I'm FUCKING AWESOME at music!) and we had this cute little convo (or argument) about how you pronouce 'Bass' which was pronouced 'B-ae-s' but he kept pronoucing it 'Ba-s' and then him and this girl asked me about why you have two hands in keyboard. It was a no-brainer but I answered it because, because well I was being nice...

I felt alone. No one is here for me, maybe no one will be ever be. My whole life was messed up, I was supposed to be smart, but that didn't work. I was supposed to be beautiful, that didn't work. I was supposed to be strong, that didn't work. I was supposed to be independant, but that didn't work. I was supposed to have the perfect high school life, that didn't work. I was just a dreamer, I dreamed about everything. But non of it actually happened. Everything seems so confusing and broken. I need help. Why do I have to fucking bottle everything up? Why can't people get that It's really not okay? WHY IS THIS WHOLE FUCKING WORLD FUCKED UP!? Stop with all the fucking shit hole, stop rushing everything alone. Just give me some time to fucking think, everything is moving so fast it's hard to catch up. Why is everything going so wrong? There always has to be a fucking problem, doesn't there?

Guess what? I got my internet back. Fuck Yeah! It just arrived in the post - the router. But now that I had the router I didn't know what to do with it since then I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But now it just seems pretty useless. However, I don't want to loose it again! 

Fridays Post This was another meal with my Grandma. But this time we were taking her out. It was this posh French cuisine fine dining. Now I didn't know if I liked French. But it was okay.  Later on, I tasted the food and it was awful. It was crispy and hard to cut. I ordered probably the most simplest meal - chicken. I'm not sure what you think but most people eat chicken. Now I'm not one of those stuck-up snobs ~ far from it. But that food was awful! I would've just eaten from the chippy. Despite my taste buds, everyone else's taste buds were fine. Infact more than fine... Today's Post As I stumbled out of bed, my dad asked me to come down. Oh god this sounds like a fucking book. Anyway my cousin is doing this gsce photoshoot and he needs some models for the shoot and since it was last minute it was me and his  sister doing the modeling. I'm not the best at modeling or looks but I think I did pretty good. 

I wasn't sure if it was just or it was just me. But I really seemed to question the idea of me being the ideal love interest. Maybe my personality wasn't as modest as I thought it was. Maybe my looks weren't as beautiful as I thought they were. It was bugging me, did people really not want to talk to me. Did my breathe smell? Am I coming on too strong? Do I look funny? Did something embarrassing happen that I don't know? Urgh, I wish I was a hottie with a way of the words and not some high-maintenance, moaning, stuck-up cow. Yes, that's really how I think about my self. Maybe that's how others think of me , but online...well. I just seem like a whole other person I give off this calming aura and I seem like the person everyone wants to be friends with.  I have some gossip and thank The Lord - it's not about me! (I get a lot of gossip about me at school - 99.9% negative) It's about my Dad, he might be taking this job in Greece. And then I might go on holi...

Aparently my phone has a limit on how much data it can use, Fuck That. I have a contract and my contract don't say nothing about that. My parents should just sack the lot and go to a different network. Orange, ignorant selfish greedy bastards.  Nothing much happened today, apart from a constant craze over leon ockenden, a mad frustration over resonance of fate, no gta online (explanation below) and no collecting my daily Robux because of the Internet issue. Luckily I can still write posts and save them as drafts and publish them when I get my internet back... Gta online have this valentines day update which has loads of clothes and hairstyles for the females. They said they might have a limited time for claiming them but I hope not. 

I haven't been able to post since I've had a massive issue with the network. But I've found a way to get past it - my phone! Don't ask me why my phone is working with the internet because i still haven't figured it out my self and I'm not questioning!!!  Valentines No my love didn't come, to be honest I don't think he'll ever come. At least I knew it wasn't going to be Luke. Luke was acting like a total prat on valentines (not to me though) I'm not sure if it's because of his single issues (he's a player) and he's not used to it or his ex was gonna dump him on Valentines but seriously! Luke was going to go down hill but I'm not going to be there when he falls - I'm not going to catch him. I'm just going to watch as life tears him apart.  15th February  My hand seriously hurts, or my wrist. Urgh. Just on my holiday it had to do this. Speaking of holidays I'm going to India in Easter! (Even though we seriously cannot...

I wanted love like real love not the evil Catfishing love with Luke the real thang. My best friend had decided to get a date for valentines so I wished her well since it was the first time either of us had a valentines... Today was alright having faked an fake tooth ache was difficult I had to lie to the dentist as well for it too! Anyway my eye is itchy so I'm going to go to bed.

It wasn't fantastic this day, as I had no motivation. No Courtney. No Luke. That meant nothing then. Well nothing important. My continuos memory loss of what lesson was next was really dragging my time, and my lessons seem to drag to so I was always constantly glancing at the clock. I had a massive wood piece stuck in my eye for tech. Some random new girl has come to my French and she is sitting next to Luke. MY Luke. I had drama and our performance was Rubish - like usual. I had this strange urge that PE was going to be good tomorow but I still thought of a couple of reasons to counter that. I messages Luke by acident when I went to the toilets to message my other friend, honestly though the toilets were actually a great place to go on your phone without getting caught, I loved it but if you came back after like a minute everyone thought you were having a shit when you werent even using the toilet at all. My friend asked me to go on that expensive ski trip too and claimed that Cou...

Something was seriously up with Luke, he was trying to get closer to the real  me. I wasn't sure if I was just being paranoid or if it was really happening or if it was because he got sucpicous about the catfishing and thought it was me but he sat next to me in Tech on Monday, cut in the dinner line (I told him not to) and he had made direct shout outs to me in History. But I wasn't going to fall for it, as it might be all entirely in my head, I had to sit back and relax. And wait until the time was right to pounce on my prey. I had to lure Luke in, make him think that I didn't notice him, but secretly I did and I was corrupting inside. Flappy Birds? The difficult, badly-designed crappy game had become a major hit and then later on, removed from the app store. I had downloaded the app not really because I liked it but because everyone was talking about it, luckily I had it in time. Aparently you can sell your phone for loads if you have flappy birds installed, and by loads...

It seemed like last night was totally forgotten, my dance partners had ignored me and I there was no talk about the party. But I was all set for MY party, my 14th birthday party because my 13th was such a let down. It was going to be the highlight of the entire year and set of a chain of this new party lifestyle.

Okay so I went to a party and it was EPIC! Anyway since drinking a big energy drink I've been seriously hyper. I just have to do something to keep my self entertained and mostly meant messaging Luke or blogging.  What happened at the Party... Well firstly we were literally all at the door waiting for the fucking birthday girl to show her face and invite us in and then we were still there just chatting until we finally went to the dance room. My friend insists that I danced but to be honest I was a little embarrassed to dance but that only lasted for 30 mins as I really wanted to dance. I pulled some moves but none of them any good to be featured on a show like step up. Requested some songs. And the birthday girl had this song that she was singing - it was terrible! I went outside a couple of times to cool off and I got this energy drink as there was a shop down that road and when I went back and put it down the waitress picked it And said we don't allow drinks from outside so I...

Luke stopped sending me messages as frequent as he used to it made me worry. Did Luke find out or have suspicions? Well I was going to put him in his place, if he was going to take his time so was I. Or was it because I was doing too much of that? Luke just really needs someone since his break up that should be me mainly because I caused it... TOP SONG: One Night Only ~ Jennifer Hudson

The damage had been done. I broke up them. They were never going to be together again, because of me. I felt terrible when I saw her. When I heard her, I felt horrible. When I spoke to him, I felt...better... Alright, we were flirting non stop. Did he really fall in love with this fake profile? If I grew more like that girl in the picture would he like me? And I didn't know what I was going to do next, build up our relationship and say that I'd pranked him, tell him that I love him? Urgh. Too much thinking. So little time. God, why can't I just move on? I got Luke to watch this really freaky, cool movie called 'Stoker'. I've seen it and its amazing! And it'll really freak him out. TOP SONG: Disclosure - You and Me

Wow, I was actually scared of this freak and what he was going to do. I hated people touching me, especially when they hit me. I just wish people left me alone when I wanted to be alone and came more often when I needed them. I hadn't got a message of him - yet! To be fair he hasn't read the broadcast, I'm trying to play it cool so he would initiate all our conversations but it wasn't really working. I want to go to sleep but I don't becaus of PE tomorrow. I might just stay up till 11:30. 

Crying, crying was the only way I could reall let out my anger as it let it just flow right out of me. But I was NOT going to do it in front of anyone else unless I was really hurt. So I had to hold my tears back until the end of the lesson and go to the toilet and let it all out. Unfortunately, it was not really the right place since the 'sound proof' walls weren't at all really sound prood and in my school, crying was a thing you could be bullied about. Yeah, it's THAT bad... I haven't messaged Luke, but last night or earlier this day? (we spoke until 0:09 then I 'insisted that he went to sleep) he told me that he was definitely going to break up with his girlfriend today. I was happy, but I felt bad, bad that I pushed him so he could break up with her. It wasn't right, but luckily I think he hasn't broken up with her - yet... I'll just have to wait a bit and find out all the details, wish me luck. I might write a book or two! But my grammar ...

Luckily, it wasn't about the catfishing. But I got in trouble - for something so stupid. I was in a terrible mood and I felt like I was going to be evil. And guess what? I was evil, evil to the person who grassed on me. I stole her planner and threw it into one of the bins in the toilets. Yep, that was evil. If I told her though, then she would be evil. I best keep it another secret, another piece of shit on my plate. Well my plate is getting full. And this catfishing is actually backfiring, instead of getting the sweet revenge of hurting Luke it was hurting me. It was causing me more heart ache, and I began planning out my future to. One thing was certain though, I was definitely going to live in America not in this shit hole of a country. It's just how, I have no idea how the hell I'm going to get rights so I could live over there - permenantly. One of my pecuilar ideas was to become a mega popstar and apply for a passport over there. Maybe that'd work. In America, ...

I had gone to plan z and tried the last no-no in the book ~ Cat Fishing. That evil hobby, of some ugly dork, who doesn't have a good enough life so they pretend to live someone elses. It was working since I used a less-popular unknown person. But if they found out I was cat fishing I could get in some serious sh*t. It just made me a little upset, Luke did like my personality, the way I message him, everything was fine. He just didn't like me. But he seemed to like the other me. This is so confusing, and so irritating. My crush likes the fake me better than the real me. He's even breaking up with his girlfriend because of some online fake account messaging him on the first day. And we've already organised and sent flirts to each other. He is so nice to talk to when he likes you. But now I was certain, Luke was never going to go out with me as I was now, I would have to come for him later. When I was older. Love is blind, well at least it is for me... School was epic, I...

Today, was awful more than words could describe awful. Luke was giving me no sign of affection, neither was Courtney (my so called BFF) I didn't know if it was me or if it was them but today seemed like everybody could just trample on me like I was dirt to them. I got in trouble for my slutty sense in uniform. Courtney's friend had threw her book at me in english and then when I picked it up to throw at her, I get the fucking blame for it, God, shove them bitches in a room and lock it! Then just to make my english lesson worse some bitch decided to talk about me and all eyes were on me and I hadn't a single clue what to do or say, because I had no idea what they were talking about if it was good or if it was bad. And worst of all my Luke was joining in, and most of the class. The angry within me made me tremble with fear as what I might do. Yes, you could say I have anger issues. No, medically I hadn't a single problem apart from my constant colds and spots popping up t...

Today was slightly more different than I thought, Over the top makeup, Ripped leggings, Itchy wig to me it actually appeared lucky as nothing drastic had happened. I had more confidence on stage than off, like BIG TIME! My drama teacher had made more jokes than he should have and my friend Lotte just stole the show. She even had to play-in as this character called 'Father Bear' not really the best role for a lady but she was fine and if I can say she was miles better than the real Father Bear! Anyway my role included putting tarty makeup on and wearing an over-sized bra so it was kind of uncormfortable to walk around and strech. Also it was really hot! Not in a hot, 'Oh that guy is hot ' but in a 'Oh my, its freaking boiling in here!' partially because I was in a fat suit (it was hairy too!) but also because I did a LOT of moving around. So thats why I carried a fan around, also because I nothing to do with my hands so now I could strike so mother-like poses and...

I'm so excited for tomorow! My show is tomorrow, I'm obviously a bit nervous but I've done this so many times it's easy and well simple. I literally haven't done anything all day because I really want today to go fast so I can hurry up and get on with tommorow. So really there isn't much to tell, apart from I'm seriously considering dip dying my hair blue! Oh Yeah, on roblox my friend Kacia is having boyfriend issues. Sheesh! If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't have any issues - as long as hes hot! I don't know what stinked more the fact that I hadn't had a boyfriend or the fact that an eleven-year old has more love-interests than me. Either way, I stopped thinking about Luke and thought more about that future guy, who would be my husband, father of my kids and my soul mate. Assuming that guy was never going to be Luke, Luke had not answered my message -Seriously! Put a dick on that dude because he isn't acting like he has one. If he wants to ign...