My Life

I've never felt so alone, so lost, so empty inside. I am trying my best to forget about Luke, and just move on but it is so hard. All the time, I just work, work, work and I'm just doing school work so much, I have nothing fun in my life. And I don't even feel anything ANYTHING for anyone else apart from him. It's been over 2 months since I last saw him, shouldn't I at least start to feel better? Why does everyday feel like it hurts more? Why can I not find that one guy who makes me feel something? Why am I so fucking in love with Luke? God, what is up with this. I want another chance, another shot, another guy. Someone who I will truly feel something for, and he will feel something for me. You know what, even if the whole fucking world loved me, maybe that would make me feel a little better. Or just maybe it is that I'm going to be alone forever, Maybe I can pretend to love someone else. With enough practise, I can probably convince myself. When I think back ...

I want to start a new life, but I don't want to end this one to do so. Slowly I am becoming the woman I want to be, step by step. I will grow my hair long, cure my acne, and remove any other blemishes that society will find distasteful. I want to become the woman every man adores, the woman that can get any man she wants even if he is already taken. I want to be the woman that men have their dirtiest fantasies about. I want to change the world that we know.

Today I'm 15. I can't believe how time flies, soon I will be going back to school. I think that some people will have changed but I'm not afraid. Change is good, in some cases... But what I am afraid of is things that haven't changed, the same shitty school life with the same shitty friends, who really do not give a shit about me. Most of the people I hang around with probably didn't even know it's my birthday. The worst is when they forget your birthday and don't do anything and then they expect you to do something for theirs like what? no way. It's strange even on my birthday, I'm thinking of Luke. Did he even know?

Please God Save me. I need to become 16 so I can leave. I need to leave. I am tearing apart inside, I am going to blow up, I need to speak, I need a voice. I need to go. Well it looks like I'm not going to get anywhere at the moment so I'm just going to have to suffer silently.

Well I guess I'm going to apologise again for not writing, I promise I will try and write everyday from now on, even if it's directly from my journal. I've just been a mess lately, my creativity is gone, I just can't think straight anymore. I set out a timetable for me to revise, I haven't actually executed this idea. Oh and another reason I haven't really been blogging is because everytime I do, my mother or brother seems to walk in (my father is away) and I don't really want to open up to them on everything. They will be fucking horrified to see this. So now, be prepared. I am going to let my feelings out on a few friends. Hannah, oh god sometimes I fucking hate her and sometimes I can tolerate her. She looks like she was flattened by two vans coming at her from either side and then got shrink-rayed by an alien to an uncomfortable-to-the-eye kinda skinny. THEN she shows off about how 'muscular' she is, and how she does so much exercise. God thats...

Okay so you might think that something BIG or something BIG to me has happened in my life judging by the title but your wrong. Nope nothing BIG has happened. I just can be a little more honest with my blog because I don't have counselling anymore so nobody is reading my blog - yeah! In fact I don't think anybody is reading my blog, the page views are probably my own. I guess nobody is interested in my life, no they'd rather be interested in somebody like Kim Kardashian. Because Kim K has a pretty face, a curvy body, a reality tv show, a self-centred family and a nice ass. If I had all those things I could fly even higher than her, but I don't really want a curvy body or a self centred family. When I grow up, I'm going to become famous, become the most sexualised woman in history and then when I have it all, I'm going to say, "You're a fool." I will fool the whole world. Anyway onto the more important note, I might not really be blogging a lot becau...

I'm new and improved, I know I keep repeatedly saying that but it's true. Once I was hopeless and alone and now, well I'm still alone but I'm not hopeless. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. A dead end doesn't exist in my world, not in my books. The only thing that is bugging me now, is my studies. I spent so much time worrying on my life and what was happening to me that I was missing my way out. Unfortunately, I'm so different that I don't know what job I want to do. I know for certain I want to act but I don't really need any qualifications for that, and I want to draw, but I again don't really need qualifications and you don't get paid a lot and I don't know if I'm any good. Perhaps I might post some of my art in the next pictures. I want to get really good at art, so then I have another talent that I can rely on. Another thing I like is cats. But strangely I also dislike them. Maybe a cattery would be quite fun but I...

I'm upset, sad, hurt and on my own again. Me and my brother fell out but it wasn't mutual he was delibretly trying to annoy me and get an argument out of it. He made a snidey insult about self harming and I just was sick of it. He's constantly made offensive insults about self harming and I was just sick of it. So I poured his drink on his food. He screamed insults at me and threw his can at my face and poured my drink on my food. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. The can has swelled up my eye so it feels like there's something on my eyelid that I can't take off. I just want to know something, if my life is going to carry on like this, I want to know...when does it stop? My mother was recently interested in getting me into some physical activities and now I can't think of anything better. I'm always that helpless soul who can't hurt a fly, I'm tired of being that person. I can't think of which feeling was worse, the hatred I felt towards my...

I know I've already explained how my Dad is away but I just can't cope without him. Actually I can't cope with seeing them all the time, and by them I mean my mother and my brother. They always gang up on me, My mother seems to always have a go at me, or a nag at me, or just complain and it gets really annoying. She does this whole thing like she's looking after us and doing all the work. Well she isn't. Nobody has to 'look after' me, in fact nobody does. You just have to feed me. I do the rest by myself. You don't take any of my stress on, I don't think you even listen to anything I say because you always come out with some random other thing or say Yeah Yeah. So whenever my mother has a go at me, my brother does. And it gets so annoying, I get that I'm a little different and I may look like I'm sad all the time but that's because of people like you causing it everyday. Why the fuck do you think I'm depressed? BECAUSE OF YOU! I can...

Okay, reading the title you may think that I'm getting married. Sadly, No. A) I'm Underaged. B) My cellphone isn't full of numbers. C) I'm not ready to commit. Anyway so you may be wondering why I made this post is because something happened tonight. This evening, my mother was invited to attend my father's friend's wedding but my Dad is on a cruise ship working, I told you that didn't I? If I didn't well now you know. Literally, my Dad is away for a month, and I have to show 'independance', which means picking up my Cat's shit, getting blamed for my Cat's troubles (I got blamed before, just to mention), doing my brother's jobs and getting no credit (His job was the bins, so he had to clean out the bins/take out the trash, which I have done many times. It's so easy, I wish I had his job.) and just enjoy getting told off for not doing it. Now 'indepedance' would be to me something like I can go out when I want to as lo...

So I haven't really been posting much, but I don't really have much time to be posting pages and pages. But I've decided that I'm going to try and post daily - however - they will be short posts And will be written before I go to bed and maybe throughout my day. So I haven't really explained what happened with all the counselling and school telling my parents. Well literally, I told my counsellor about it, she then told the bitch in school that I hate and then my counsellor came back and said that everything was okay, and that they're not going to tell my parents under the 'circumstances. Then about 2 weeks later I got a message from reception to go to her. They'd called my parents and they decided to end my counselling. Yep! I've had no counselling throughout this whole thing! I didn't cancel it school cancelled it! And they told my parents that I should never be left alone by myself or go out without them. Well that was fucking great under the ...

Wow, just when you think things in your life were bad, they go fucking worse. I can't believe for a second I even thought that I could ever love my parents, or anyone for the matter. In this world, the only one you can rely on is yourself. I think the nicest way to describe my parents relationship with me is caring, or over protective, the honest way to describe it is suffocation. I think this might just be all going to my heart to fast, my head was hurting so much with all the stress that when I was holding it, I left nail marks on my head. Everything feels so scary, like you're on close watch. Anyone out there, never trust any counsellor or close friend because all they'll do is backstabbing you, and turn your life into the repeating hell hole mine is. It's 17 months till my 16. Then I'll be free. I'm taking a bath, and I might come out. If I feel like it.

So my counsellor decided to tell my parents that I tried to commit suicide. Well done, you just made everything better! I mean it's great now I can't go anywhere without my parents! Thanks you fucking bitch. I'm under constant supervision so I can't even breathe. And instead of my parents worrying about me, they're worried about they're reputation, and how this might effect there image, oh and apparently social services are going to 'investigate' now according to my mother. What the hell? You really take things to the extreme and that's coming from the kid who attempted suicide. And what was really fucking annoying is that this happened like a week ago, why didn't you address it last week? I could've fucking killed myself then. Woah, they must really want me to kill my self because they're giving me a fucking reason to. My Dad was... well my Dad and was surprisingly a little supportive not entirely but a little. And my mother... oh my god...

A part of me is disapointed but a part of me is relieved. I'm asking myself did I really want this? I just really don't know anymore. I'm sad sometimes, i'm mad, i'm flirty, i'm crazy, i'm jokey, i'm friendly, i'm happy. It's just all over the place. And I realise that the world is so much more confusing than I thought it would be. Science can't explain everything, it can't. Only you're imagination can. I'm trying to rebuild myself from that fall and slowly get up to the top again and maintain it and try my best not to fall again. I'm doing small steps to improving my looks. Naturally I'd say that I'm above average in appearance but with all the make up and fake tan and fake boobs and fake ass and fake hair people put on themselves I don't stand a chance. I'm not going to wear a cake ton because I don't want to look fake but I might wear a little bit here and there, maybe a nude-coloured lip liner that is t...

Yes, I'm writing another post... Because I feel like it... I know I've done one already today... I doubt anyone is reading my pathetic blog, but if you are, thanks. So today I had PE. What? Don't give me that look, I wasn't checking anybody out ;) Oh you know me too well I totally was. Can we just talk about this other Jack? You know that cute one I mentioned before, well he has a six pack. OMG. And he has muscles. I want to sit on his face. Stop it! I shouldn't be talking like this, it isn't fifty shades. Oh my gosh, I love that book. Honestly, even though it was written for horny cougars & milfs & dilfs & gilfs? it is so fucking good. If only I was Anastacia, Luke was Christian. OMG OMG OMG total fan girl moment. Fucking love him...I meant Christian... So in PE today, we was doing dodgeball (not exactly my sport because I'm not dodging Luke's & Jack's balls. Stop It! God I'm in such a dirty mood today) And Luke & Jack were...

So YES, there is yet another two-faced bitch. But she isn't being two-faced to me but rather my friend Kiera. So Kiera had gotten to know this like 17 year old who was pretty ugly but they had cute convos, anyway and they arranged to meet AGES ago. But they broke up about a week ago. Yeah it's actually because of this two faced bitch, she was the one who broke them up by going around saying that Kiera cheated on him with 3 other guys, like seriously? She isn't even allowed a phone, let alone out of the house. It would be pretty fucking difficult for her to manage 1 relationship let alone 3 more. But they made up again but then they broke up again on the same day. Yeah, so they weren't really meant to be together I guess. Anyway two faced bitch told Kiera's counsellor this and then they rang home and stuff. And if you know Kiera like I do, that is NOT the way to solve it. Kiera is suicidal and self harming, this will only make the shit worse. She is going through a b...

So today was a normal shitty day, like all the others. I went around and did stuff, my friend Teeghan wasn't in and she's pretty much the person I see in ALL my lessons so I just sit next to her. So it started with Science I sat next to this boy called Cameron, who I used to know in Year 7 a lot better, but you know high school people change, and go apart or they just fall out and want to kill each other or they just go out, break up and then want to kill each other. Anyway so we was doing the practical (experiment) like usual, and me and Cameron were working on it. We were next to this sink, and my book was right on the corner. During the practical, Luke walks over to the sink and asks me, "Whose book is this?" When it's pretty obvious it's mine since I'm standing right next to it. And I replied, "Mine." And he looked at me so seductively with his cheeky grin and his intimidating eyes, "It would be a shame for it to get wet" and at tha...

I'm sick of everyone talking about me. Sometimes they'll even do it in front of me, but most times behind my back. My mother talks about me even if I'm sat right next to her let alone in another room. Why can't people just stop judging!?

It is mentally and physically killing me to live here. Nothing I do or say will change anything but make things worse. I'm surprised I'm still alive, really. Everyday is another blow at me, I'm getting weaker and weaker. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm screaming help me but nobody will listen, I don't know what to do. Why does everyday seem longer than the last, although I have survived a big wave, an even bigger one is coming to knock me down, to kill me again and again and again. They always think there the victims in this, who is the one getting another shelf of everyone else's problems on them everyday. You say that I never ask you how your day went? That's because you always tell me how it went. You say I never give you a hug? Because I don't even want to look at you after the things you've said - even saying hello is a push. You say I never ask you how you are? You always tell me, and you never ask me how I am, I clearly am sad (it...

It's odly strange how this one airy fairy fairy tale really links to me. It's a similar problem apart from mine doesn't have a solution but instead the princess has to just keep locked away in this tower. And I don't have a prince that comes to my rescue, in fact I don't have a Prince at all. And I'm not as beautiful as Rapunzel, I don't have long beautiful blonde hair. Instead I'm stuck in this tower, with no prince, with no beauty and just my parents constantly at me for what a perfect person should be, act and look like. I want to be free. Is death the only way out?

I'm sick of acting happy when I'm not. When I lost my voice, it made me notice something. I couldn't laugh so I had to smile. It kind of felt better, a lot better. I guess being able to have a reason not to talk to anyone was pretty good. But at times I wish I could speak. Like when Luke spoke to me. His lips looked moist. Mine felt dry. His hands looked cold. Mine felt warm. He looked calm. I was panicking inside. And I needed a break. So I wrote that I needed a toilet and showed the teacher. In the toilet people must be wondering what the hell am I doing in there and why I take so long. It's because I am trying to calm myself down. And it isn't being hyper or high, it's having an anxiety attack or 'panick attack' but I prefer to call it anxiety attack because it's caused by my anxiety. Stepping aside from that, if you're wondering what 'a new taste' means, it's not some hidden message. It's actually pretty simple, it's a new...

R.I.P. You beautiful human . Everything in this letter, is true. And I love you. Support Leelah by painting your finger pink on January 6th. LEELAH'S SUICIDE LETTER If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue. Please don't be sad, it's for the better. The life I would've lived isn't worth living in… because I'm transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy's body, and I've felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally 'boyish' things to try to fit in. When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was...

New Year and I already think this year is trying to kill me. New Year's Eve I woke up with a terrible throat, and noticed I was mute. I guess mute was a good thing, so then I had a reason not to talk. But soon later I realised my limbs were weak and I struggled to walk without getting tired and having to rest them. My chest hurt, and it wasn't the broken heart. My head hurt, and it wasn't the roaming bad thoughts. My nose hurt, and it wasn't the lack of the smell of him. My lips heart, and it wasn't the lack of his touching mine. It wasn't me. It was God. He was showing me this is a new year for a new start. When I say new, there wasn't going to be some drastic change in my hair, or my bag or my face. There was going to be a change in everything. The way I think about people, the way I talk to them, the way I act, the way I am with my friends. I was going to change, be it good, be it bad. And it would help me, not anyone else but me. I was going to change me...