My Life

 I miss him. I miss Daeyoung so much.      Being back home, I realise how shallow and empty the world is. The university assignments, the tinder matches, the games, the movies released, the new politics. Everything in this world is so shallow, and so empty. This world feels so hollow, none of it has any true meaning. I feel so lonely without him. Why is it that I can have so many men interested in me, some even willing to be with me but I don't feel as strongly as I feel for him. I hate it, I hate this obsession I have inside me, I know I need to move on but I don't want to let it go. I don't want to lose him. 

 I hate that all I write about is my love life.  Why don't I have any achievements, any success, anything to say to my name. It's pathetic. I'm not exceptionally pretty. Nor is my body good. Nor am I that talented or even that intelligent. The only thing I can hold my hand high to, is that I have a good heart. I feel, and I empathise with people. I have built myself up to not hate or wish ill of someone that badly. Yes that took a while, as shown by my previous posts I wasn't always this... peaceful (if you can call someone not wanting to murder another person that). But I think despite my past, and the bad experiences, I did well. And also this blog, these posts, are my internal feelings and thoughts. It's what I can't even tell my family. It's what I can't put my face to.           I'm 21 now. It's crazy how time hasn't really flown by. It just feels like I've been climbing up this rocky mountain and I'm still climbing to reach the ...

 So it's been a while. Hey, how is it going... Today I had a call with my Doctor, confirming my surgery. He said I should be put on the waiting list by early next year, and mostly will have the surgery next year. I'm excited about that, but I can't say I'm happy in life at the moment. It's strange, although things are getting better in my life, things are also changing so much that I feel like a bird that is swallowed up by a strong water current. Swept underneath a wave. Since coming back home from Korea on July 31st, my confidence has dropped dramatically to the point that I can barely open my mouth to talk on an online call. I had a group meeting for University and I couldn't even say 1 word. The anxiety is just so much, it's suffocating. And whilst I am much prettier since getting my cosmetic surgery in Korea, I still feel a bit insecure about my appearance and certain areas, I even feel insecurity about my voice too.               Since ...

 I am here today to talk about how suffocating life can be. And not even life but this society. Death used to scare me so much because it was an end to something that can be so great. But as I grow older I realise death is also a blessing; it's an end to something that can be so suffocating.  I feel so much pain in my heart and I feel constant suffering in life. And the same feelings that I had when I attempted suicide return to me now. I attempted suicide because there was no escape, no end. But now I can't end it because there's so much I need to accomplish and live for. And I have stopped self harming, but it means that there's no outpour to this misery anymore. Honestly, there's so much hurt everywhere that I can't even find a safe haven, somewhere where I can truly enjoy myself.  I want to talk about society and people. And how selfish and inconsiderate everyone is. I do claim the first part of being selfish but I do not claim the incosiderate part. I have ...

 And then there was one... Well not one, still got the rest of the list going haha. We're currently on Zach, Nate, Osman, Dom, Paul, Jay, Lamar, Adil, Ollie, Connor, Ryan and Henry. Some still think they're in the mix but they really aren't. And out the ones I listed there's only a few I'm really considering. But at the top of that list is Elliot. He's a dreamboat, he's everything I wanted. Granted he's not exceptionally good looking, or smart, or charismatic. But there's just something about him, I feel genuine attraction to him but on a deeper level compared to the others. It's not surface level. I mean if it was surface level then guys like Zach, Nate, Osman, Henry and Dom would beat him. It's just talking to him it felt right. But then came the video call a few days before New Year's Eve. I looked fucking hot on it, I won't lie. And he seemed pretty taken aback by how pretty I was, he even kept commenting how lucky he was and how ...