Nate, Zach, Jarvis, Ollie, Dante, Josh, Henry, Tom and the list goes on...

 So let's start with another desperate attempt at finding myself a man through online dating! I swallowed my pride after the last incident and went back on the same app, and I just sort of started accepting myself and thought so what if I'm trans? Like why am I so scared of people knowing? I unfriended this guy who I got intimate with (not enough so he knew) because we were playing games with him and his friend and he's out here using transphobic slurs describing this girl (who btw wasn't even transgender) and he just went on and on. So I waited a day and then unfriended him, because I don't wanna deal with that shit. I just thought why am I even giving these guys a chance, like oh I'll change him so he's not a sexist, transphobic, racist piece of shit? No why should I? Let him be that way, he makes people like us shine more. He can be a pathetic worthless piece of trash rotting at the bottom whilst I shine at the top. He can continue living his boring mundane life whilst I continue to strive and grow into a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman, that he will never ever get the chance with. Haha, why am I so pressed about these guys they're not worth my time. Like jesus they think that because they have a dick and a good body that that somehow makes them the shit? Well asshole, I'm amazing at art, amazing at piano, I'm learning a different language, I can code, I play video games, I'm a lovely, kind and considerate open-minded person, who always puts others before herself. And a dick is all you have to offer? Haha, get out of here! It's going to be 2021 soon and us girls need to stop putting a guy on a pedestal for doing the bare mininum. Actually let's not even gender this. Let's stop putting people, who are doing the bare minimum on a pedestal. That goes for your friends, your family, everyone in your life. If they're not giving the same energy back as you're putting into them, then don't fucking bother. I am sick of being a punching bag for people to mock and joke about, when all I do is be nice and considerate to them and they don't even give a shit about what I think. Like just cut them off.

Anyway enough about that piece of shit haha, so I started on this dating app... the same one I got catfished on, yes! But like I made sure that this time I was always extra careful. I actually passed so many people because I didn't see a verification sign, or they only had one picture, like if it seemed too good to be true. I also was very particular with my selection and like I didn't just pick guys who I could potentially see something with. I picked guys, who would be above me essentially. And girls, don't fucking lessen your expectations. Like so many people tell you 'oh maybe your expectations are too high' 'maybe you're too picky'. No, fuck that. You're hot shit okay, don't let anyone tell you different, you deserve someone just as good. Don't fucking date down. And let's be honest, how much more cruel is it to falsely give a guy a chance when you're not even that attracted to him? Come on. So I got quite a lot of matches, in fact pretty much every guy I swiped on swiped me. I also posted a story this time and joined some groups, things like muscly guys etc. Haha! I thought if there's any time to be vain, it's now. I made it clear that I wanted a relationship that was friends (serious) and seeing where it goes. Because I don't mind not dating but I want to at least have that sort of intimate connection and mutual affection, perhaps just without exclusivity and strings. Anyway I talked to a lot of guys, I'll try to talk about some that stood out, but there will be a lot I'll leave out.

Okay let's talk about Jarvis. The really big negative experience first. He was forceful, rude, blunt, and overtly horny. He kept trying to get me to send nudes, even when I'd already sent pictures of myself, and had made it explicitly clear I wasn't comfortable sending anything more. He was from Liverpool, and had a disgusting accent and a disgusting body. And by that I don't mean body size, I mean like it looked like he hadn't showered, his room was disgusting too. And I have noooo idea why I kept talking to him. But I think you just get kinda desperate in those situations, so I'm not gonna hate myself too much. Anyway long story short, he screenshotted some of the pictures I sent him, and then he said he was going to delete them after he... uhm... got off... A few days go by, we're still talking, then I don't message him for around 2 days and he UNFRIENDS ME. And it's like, he might have my pictures. Anyway lots of anxiety about that, but at the end of the day, the pictures I sent him were all from past stories and like I've shown more on instagram. So I think I should be fine. I'm pretty sure he deleted them. But I'm not going to be forced into sending something like that again.

Now let's talk about someone positive. Ollie! Ollie was honestly kinda off with me at first, he seemed a bit narcissistic, quiet and snobbish. I was pretty heavy with my flirting too. Then when we moved to snapchat, and there was more pictures of us both, it became clear that I was the more attractive one. And he had honestly completely changed his tune, whilst for me, it had stayed exactly the same. The only difference is I got a lot busier, as I got the app sort of between my first assignment and the rest of my assignments, so when my assignments came I couldn't really talk much. So he's been the real drive force of our conversations, initiating them, continuing them etc. Don't get me wrong, I've not gone cold, I still ask him questions and keep it going too, but he's the one leading it. Which shows more interest on his end. But I think a real friendship can develop out of this, and I'm definitely not leading him on, he seems more interested in platonic relationships too. 

Okay some news about Dante then. Dante seems like the best potential candidate out of all of them. He is cute, nice personality, very lovable and seems genuinely serious. His snap score is slightly alarming as it's so high. But I think overall he is the whole package. Good looks, good personality and serious. He lives in Florida and is 19, which is slightly younger than me so that might be a problem but he drives and works. A prep chef at the moment aspiring to be a head chef, so not bad at all.

Next is Zach, Zach is probably the hottest out of all the guys. His personality isn't the most lovable or tactile, but it's probably the closest to mine. Especially my meaner side I feel like he has, so I think realistically out of all of them, he would probably make the best relationship. However, I have strong short-term feelings with him, he seems to be on the fence, so I guess it'll depend on the person. So I have to keep my conversation less sexual and more friendly, and see how long he keeps interested and see if he talks about visiting from America. He has probably the best body too, but I have a feeling will be the most judgemental when it comes to looks, so definitely not the type you want to be bare-faced around. 

And finally Nate. Saving the juiciest gossip for last. Nate is 23, from new zealand, does volleyball and is studying psychology I think (I got this from one of the tabs he sent me in a snap). He reached out first to me, we added each other on snapchat because he insisted that he didn't have a instagram or facebook anymore because he spent too much time on it. Which, I mean is kinda suspicious to me. I have a feeling that he's using a different name to message girls like me as his snapchat username is also quite ambiguous and he has no bitmoji on snap. He's definitely not a catfish I've seen his photos. He seems kinda shy to show his face, despite me literally showing my face in every snap. Initially our conversation was great and it flowed well. And he didn't force me to show my face, he just wanted snaps of even my headphones just anything from me. It seemed like he was head over heels. He also got annoyed at me for not messaging for a day when I had an assignment so I wasn't messaging anyone. It's so frustrating when guys do a 180 like this. He was kinda jealous too ughh, I hate this level of games. Why can't I just find a guy I like to be just chill with? It seems everytime I like them I push them further away, and then when I don't like them I bring them closer. It's so fucked. So we've been talking since the 13th, it's now the 27th and things have gone relatively cold. They started off great and we were talking constantly in the first few days, we even became each others best friends on snap. I was the person he snapped the most and he was for me. I mean it still is that way. We ended up trading nudes too... I know. But they weren't like full on nudes. And to be honest, I've never shown that much of myself to anyone before. I even told him that, it was also the furthest I'd gone sexually with myself. I told him all of this too. And even that I find it difficult to get turned on when I'm with someone unless I really like them. He seemed into me, and I even asked him what he thought of me. He said that he liked everything about me. And I even asked what he thought about me more seriously. And he said this 'Hmm I think you have a lovely heart and you'd make a great companion and I need to come see you ASAP'. I've asked so many people what they thought that means, mostly guys, they say that it means he likes me, and also asked why would he come all the way to England if he just wanted to fuck? I could see that logic, but on the other hand, others said that it just sounds like that's all he wants because he said companion. I have to agree with the latter more. I don't know I'm definitely overthinking things too much, and I can't exactly expect a full-blown relationship with a guy who is literally on the opposite side of the world but some part of me just wished that he would be interested in me, and get jealous like I do. I'm not asking for a relationship just mutual attraction. Ughhh. And now I'm retracing my steps, to see if I fucked up somewhere, like I went too far. And I can't think of anything I was pretty chill, and like I'm not gonna be somebody's quick booty call so me asking what he thought of me more seriously is a fairly reasonable question. I just think that maybe the sexual side of things came too quickly and I should've waited. Anyway that question happened and so did his answer, he said that he feels like I kinda direct where the conversation goes, and I think I just put haha. And no response after that, until when I initiated the conversation. AAAAH I HATE HOW IT DIES LIKE THIS! We talked for like a little bit and he didn't reply mid conversation till over a day later. More than 24 hours guys... Like... So I ignored it because I'm not dealing with that shit, and I saw that once he snapped me 20 minutes later he went back to the dating app to look at other girls. Like what the fuck??? And then a day after that he views my story in which I say: I feel like if you're gonna reply after 2 days without an apology, you shouldn't bother. And after viewing that story he sends me a video of him playing with his fucking bulge. Excuse me? WHAT!? So I didn't respond to that because, like fuck off. You don't speak to me for 3 days and you send me that. Ugh maybe I'm crazy for expecting more. He just seemed like such a decent guy initially. I also saw in the snap he sent me a day late that it was a picture of what he was on on his laptop, and he was on a gambling website. Like a legit gambling website. RED FLAG. Omg a gambler? What's next a drug addiction? His body count is 50+? There's so gonna be more red flags along the way. But it's just like fuck it! I like him so much! All my friends keep saying that I should just block him, or ask him seriously but I just don't wanna lose him. So please let me have this one.