Elliot

 And then there was one...

Well not one, still got the rest of the list going haha. We're currently on Zach, Nate, Osman, Dom, Paul, Jay, Lamar, Adil, Ollie, Connor, Ryan and Henry. Some still think they're in the mix but they really aren't. And out the ones I listed there's only a few I'm really considering. But at the top of that list is Elliot. He's a dreamboat, he's everything I wanted. Granted he's not exceptionally good looking, or smart, or charismatic. But there's just something about him, I feel genuine attraction to him but on a deeper level compared to the others. It's not surface level. I mean if it was surface level then guys like Zach, Nate, Osman, Henry and Dom would beat him. It's just talking to him it felt right. But then came the video call a few days before New Year's Eve. I looked fucking hot on it, I won't lie. And he seemed pretty taken aback by how pretty I was, he even kept commenting how lucky he was and how cute I was. Brings me on to my first worry, is that his attraction for me is just surface level. Things went completely cold since the video call, he messages me less often and yesterday he didn't even message me at all. We spoke a bit that was what prompted the last post. And he was basically saying that he didn't want to try doing a relationship long distance. Which sucked... He was saying he wanted to wait till he got back in December to start dating properly, and that's all fine for him because he's going to be really doing stuff and his mind isn't going to be on anything else. But for me, I mean. You know how fast my feelings change, I'm worried that I'm going to not like him anymore. He kept saying he didn't want to hurt me. Yeah it's just a bit up in the air at the moment. We video called the night after which was New Years, and it seemed really good although it was short lived. We had fun playing games together and talking and drinking, and we did lots of fun things together. Mildly sexual but not really. And it seems like he's genuinely smitten by me, but then again comes the coldness and the long replies etc. It's just exhausting talking to someone who responds after hours. And the thing is on snapchat, you can see when their location updates, so I know that he's opening the app. It's really frustrating me. He even said that I was out of his league. And it's just like come on dude. 

Meanwhile, there's all these hot guys, who are also interested in me, messaging me and replying on time. And they're like ready for it. Is this bad of me? I kept saying to Elliot that if he wanted to commit I wouldn't mind. And I would be willing to wait for him, and I would be understanding if he was busy with work etc. But he doesn't seem to want to commit to a relationship. He said that he would love to be with me but part of him knows that he wouldn't concentrate on his university work and internship if he was in that. And he said that if we were in the same country then it would be fine. But I mean, how long does it take to reply to a message? How much time would a relationship take in reality? Like my university work is pretty hectic too, and I have a placement coming up this year too. But I would still be able to message my boyfriend, or call him occasionally.  Is he just making excuses? Ugh, boys are so confusing. I can't complain too much, I just really like him at this time. At least I'll get to explore for this year until December. But I mean, like if I'm going on dates with other guys etc. there's a pretty high chance of me finding someone I will date. Hmph.

Also another thing, I'm a bit worried about sex with him. He doesn't seem like a big guy, I mean his body and downstairs he's not like big big. And that's fine, it's just that I'm pretty tall. Like 5'9, and if he's 6'0 (although he says he's 6'1, guys usually exaggerate). He also doesn't look that muscular, like would I be a bit big for him, you know? Like with a lot of the other guys they're like 6'2+ and are pretty muscly, so in terms of sex I'd be a fair bit smaller than them. Hngg, I shouldn't be worried about that, he's coming back in December. It just annoys me that because he knew from the start that he'd be going to university in another country, and then he told me, and I said that's fine I don't mind long distance, and he keeps saying that he really likes me and all this other cutesy shit. We also made it clear we're looking for serious relationships to each other. And he's only been in 3 he's said, and he's also only had sex with 3 people, which is everyone he dated. They're all good signs that he's not a fuckboy. I'm scared of losing him, I think that ultimately is the point I'm trying to make. That scare before New Years were I got slightly confused and thought he meant he didn't want to try at all, kinda showed it for me that I really like him. I guess I wouldn't mind being friends with him if we both ended up in relationships, and hoping that he'd be single again. But I just think that if we have nothing romantically going on between us, we won't be friends or talk. I'm struggling to keep him attracted to me. I guess the best thing is to just leave it as is until he wants to make more of an effort.