Contaminated.

 So it's been a while. Hey, how is it going... Today I had a call with my Doctor, confirming my surgery. He said I should be put on the waiting list by early next year, and mostly will have the surgery next year. I'm excited about that, but I can't say I'm happy in life at the moment. It's strange, although things are getting better in my life, things are also changing so much that I feel like a bird that is swallowed up by a strong water current. Swept underneath a wave. Since coming back home from Korea on July 31st, my confidence has dropped dramatically to the point that I can barely open my mouth to talk on an online call. I had a group meeting for University and I couldn't even say 1 word. The anxiety is just so much, it's suffocating. And whilst I am much prettier since getting my cosmetic surgery in Korea, I still feel a bit insecure about my appearance and certain areas, I even feel insecurity about my voice too.

            Since going to Korea, I dropped everybody from my past life, all my contacts, all my SNS, because I wanted to start again. And with Daeyoung, it felt like a new start. It felt euphoric. I knew it was too good to be true, because I don't deserve happiness. I'm too broken as a person, he felt too good for me. But still I genuinely felt love for him. And it feels like the world took that away from me. But what was I expecting, a guy who fits me perfectly and is everything I want, there is always going to be a catch. And I'm glad that I got to enjoy those moments even if it was just for a while. It was doomed from the start: two different countries. Let alone, I'm not pretty or good enough for a guy like that. But why can't I stop thinking about him. It's been months and months. Even all the other guys I got over by this time. Daeyoung ended things in June. And today is October. It's ridiculous, why do I keep thinking about him. There's been so many guys since we ended too. Countless I tell you. And none has stuck, none has even come close to sticking. There's always something that makes it completely impossible to date them: the distance, the appearance, the morality, their mindsets, them being taken. There's always something. It feels like something is just preventing me from having love. And it really doesn't feel internal. 

    I went back to dating apps after breaking up with Daeyoung or rather when he dumped me and said we should just be friends because he needs to work on himself. I know, what a fucking cliche but it is what it is. Despite ending it with me, he actually messaged me quite a few times afterwards. And the ending was prompted by my insistance on visiting him in his own city. To be honest, during that time, in my defence, it wasn't my fault. He'd made himself clear that he liked me, he even said he loved me, and he even talked about marriage. Am I supposed to start not even beleiving guys who say they love me now? He also showed me pictures of his family. Am I to start not believing a guy likes me even when he does all this? He paid for our dates, he travelled a long way to see me every time. He even got jealous after dumping me too. It's ironic. I really don't hate myself for the way I was, I don't even hate him that much. I understand us both. 

But it does sting. I still have feelings for him even now. Even if he asked me to take him back now, I would say yes. I hate that. 

It's a double-edged sword however. No guy could ever beat him in my heart now, but it stops me from getting too hurt because there's always someone who I will love more now. The one that got away maybe? Haha, I don't know. It feels good to talk about it though. It feels good to get it out on here. Since I dropped all my friends, and I only have guys I used to go on dates with in my phone now, I feel so lonely all the time haha. I'm back home too, and my brother has moved out, so it's just me and my parents. They're busy working all the time, and they don't listen to me much anyway. I feel so isolated, so cold, so empty yet so hurt.