A New Chapter in Love and Life

 So today I'm starting of with something other than my love life. But don't get too excited we'll be moving back to that soon. Haha, I don't know why relationships are always on my mind. I guess it's to fill the void of loneliness I seem to always feel whenever I'm by myself. Anyway, I'm currently in the process of applying to placements. And it's just such a depressing feeling, there's so many great places but the requirements are far beyond what I'm capable of. And on top of that we have tests during the selections stages. This seriously worries me, I understand from an employer's perspective why they're doing this but... You know what, I can't continue talking about that. There's something that weighs more on my mind.

That's Loneliness. It feels like he comes at every single moment and reminds me of how sad parts of my life are. And I always try to stay positive but it's hard. I look around and I just wish I felt that same happiness others did. I'd never get to that dark stage of suicide again, but the thoughts I've been getting remind me of those in the past. It's that same feeling of helplessness, of being entrapped in this miserable cycle that is inescapable. I'm not pretty, I'm not cute, I'm not attractive, I'm not intelligent, I'm not funny, I'm not talented, I don't have a good body, and being a nice person isn't going to guarantee my good relationships, it's not going to guarantee me a career. I guess that's why I have a constant need to find a man and put him in my life, but whenever I get close to that I start having doubts and don't feel that satisfaction I was looking for. And it's just when I decided to not try to do something like that again, and to try my best never to go to that place again. I was seeing a light, I was seeing a future. And now that I'm somewhat in that future, I just thought it'd feel better. I just can't seem to fill that void inside me, it's like a pit of sadness. I'm wondering if this will change at some point in my life, or if I'll just be chasing this dream of happiness until I drop dead. I need to get out of this mindset, and remind myself that there is a future. I have a future, and it's going to be bright. And I'm going to change the things that I dislike, and the things that make me unhappy. If that's removing people from my life so be it, if that's lying to get the things I need, so be it. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I'll do anything in my power to get what I want, and to reach my goal of happiness.

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