Breaking the vow of singleness?

Hello, how are you doing. Me? I'm doing great. I recently broke my vow of staying away from men during my education. And well, it's been quite... what's the word... uplifting? It gives me hope that some day, I can find someone truly amazing, and that I don't need to lower my expectations. Literally on this dating app, I was liked by many, many hot guys. And yes don't get me wrong - some, actually most - were weirdos or perverts but there were some really cool guys. But it's weird, I like the fact that I can have these guys but when it comes to talking to them for more than a day, I don't feel any satisfaction. It's like I want to know that they're there but I don't want to act on it. 

Some of them have caught my attention more than others. It literally got so bad that I had to just stop talking to most of them, I also figured that that's better then entertaining people, who I'm not interested in. I'm also glad that this time, guys are taking the hint when I'm not interested. I feel that although I've become more emotionally sensitive, I don't really feel any less shallow when it comes to my expectations. I always get turned off when I see that a guy is shorter than me, and it's weird, it's like I don't want to even entertain the chance of getting to know them anymore. Well getting to know them in that way. I guess it's cause I always feel like such a big person all the time (although I am only 5'9) so I want to feel smaller with a guy. I've always sort of had to rely on myself for protection and being safe, I've been very independent. And I guess that what I want from a romantic interest is to not have to feel like I would have to defend myself, feel protected... feel warm... feel loved.

So one of the guys I'm more interested in is called Charlie, and it's not the Charlie you're thinking of, he's an architect and he studies at the university of Cambridge. We get on pretty well, he's a virgo too, and we tend to be on the save wavelength. I accidentally said a bit too much last night though, I talked about not being a clingy girl and that I like having distance and don't need to be messaged everyday etc. It doesn't sound too bad, but when I said it it did. It kinda sounded like I was trying to push him away a bit. He did agree with me and said he hates that, and that he feels like we're so similar. But I kinda feel like we may be too similar? I can be really like cold sometimes, I can just cut people off and not even consider reconnecting with them. I can go long periods of times were I don't message anyone, and I don't even care. I just think that two people like that dating... can be a really bad idea. 

It's funny I say that, there's been so many guys, who have been eager to date me, and keep giving me this stupid uwu crap. And it's not that I don't like complements, I just find it weird for someone to put me on such a high pedestal, saying that I'm like a goddess and even on the same level as kpop idols. Like come on... be realistic. Say that I'm pretty, sure, say that I'm cute, yes. But don't, for the love of god, say that I could be a k-pop idol with my looks. 

I guess it's because I don't see myself as that pretty.

The other guy is called Ben. He's extremely cute, and he's 193cm. And we initially had such a good conversation like even before I knew his height. I was willing even if he was shorter than me. We were talking about geeky things like Star Wars, but when I changed the topic, he kinda stopped messaging as much. And then he asked when I knew that I was - you know - and I answered him honestly. And he apologised if it offended me and I said that it was okay. And he didn't say anything after that, I got his snap and explained I was using an alias, and you know what he said. "Well it's great to meet you X" (X being my name). And this was last night, and I think a bit of the day before too. And he said Hey to me this morning at 6, and I replied at 12, but he hasn't even opened my snap. Like what? Ugh, and I seriousy think it's just because I've started seeing him, you know? This always happens, I can be a bitch and reply late, read late, ignore messages, etc. And guys will STILL be interested, and then the moment where I start feeling myself becoming interested, and I don't really change that much. I don't send tons of messages, I don't write a lot, I don't reply straight away etc. But they still become off. URGHH, maybe it's just in my head, to be honest, I've only been rejected properly once. And even then he wanted me as a friend and that we could still have sex. But I just feel it, and then I don't want to put in more effort if it's just never going to happen. Shit, I wish they'd just be real with me, tell me if you don't like me, or if you don't want to date me, or if you just want to fuck, or if you're not interested anymore. Like jesus, it would hurt, sure, yes but at least it would give me some fucking idea of what's happening here. Anyway, that frustration isn't directed towards Ben, but rather Malik and all the other guys before him, who were like that too. Shit I have so much to update you on, ughh it just feels like a whole bible of stuff.

On a different note, I started cooking for myself these past few days. I'm at home you see, and doing university online during the pandemic. And it's going okay, I've made pretty healthy dishes so far. And oh my, sweet potatoes fries are so difficult to make! The sweet potatoes are so hard, my arms were quivering trying to chop them. Why are they so hard? Sorry that's my little privilege showing through. Anyway I'll let you go, I will definitely update on the situation with university, fill in the gaps. After I've done the majority of my work, which I actually should get back to! Haha.